Toushirou of Oz
by CrazyAce'n'PokerFace
Summary: "Hyourinmaru, I don't think we're in Karakura anymore. Or even Kansas." Urahara tests a VR game on Toushirou & Karin. Welcome to Oz, land of 11th Division munchkins, drunken scarecrows, emo tinmen, perverted lions, & a soccer-playing Witch of the West.
1. Welcome to Kansas

**Author Note: Hello again, our lovely readers! CrazyAce'n'PokerFace are here to proudly present Chapter 1 of **_**Toushirou of Oz**_**. This story was inspired by a crazy dream PokerFace had, and we hope you'll like the insane stuff we came up with. We're really sorry that we've been gone for, like, FOREVER, but we hope that this and a few other things we'll be posting in the next few days makes up for it. In any case, we're sincerely grateful for your patience. Thank you! **

**Normal = prose, **_**italics**_** = thoughts or inner conversations **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They belong solely to Tite Kubo. However, if there was an alternate universe where I do own Bleach, I will promptly give my left arm to switch with my other self. (P.S. We don't own **_**The Wizard of Oz**_**, either.) :) **

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**Chapter One: Welcome to Kansas**

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It was finished.

Urahara glanced at his latest invention and chuckled to himself. After two weeks of diligent work, his newest brainchild could finally be unleashed upon the world. But who to test it out on…?

Hearing the sound of footsteps in the shop, he left the two shiny helmets on the table and made his way upstairs.

"Welcome to my humble shop!" he exclaimed, waving his fan in front of his face. His eyes widened speculatively as he saw who his customers were. These two would make _excellent _guinea pigs.

"Cut the act, Urahara-san, and just show me the goods," Kurosaki Karin grumbled. The now fifteen-year-old girl stood at the counter with her soccer ball balanced on her knee. A familiar white-haired shinigami taichou was fiddling with his cell phone beside her, ignoring the conversation completely.

"I don't have time for your giggling antics today," Karin continued. "Yuzu's already mad that I beat up Jinta earlier this week, so hand over the groceries before she can complain about me being late for dinner preparations, too."

"My, my, my, Kurosaki-san," Urahara said. "So it was you who gave Jinta-kun a black eye? I had my bet on Ichigo-kun."

"Please. If Ichi-nii had been the one to find them making out on the couch, Jinta would have had a lot more to worry about than a black eye and a few bruised ribs. Castration wouldn't have been out of the question, either. Anyway, I only kicked him because he stepped on the damn TV remote and broke it. You got any of those for sale?" Karin asked.

"Well, that depends on whether or not you wouldn't mind one that doubles as an electric taser," Urahara said as he bustled about, filling a couple bags with the Kurosakis' usual grocery supply. Now, how to get Karin to try out the virtual reality headsets…

"Never mind then. I don't think I'd be able to trust Goat-chin to use it wisely," Karin replied.

"Can you trust your father to do _anything_ wisely, Kurosaki?" Hitsugaya said, finally joining the conversation.

"Probably not. But that's why Yuzu's going to keep the house when she grows up. After she and Jinta finally get married and start a family, they can stick him in the backyard shed and keep an eye on him. That way we won't have any lawsuits from the insane asylum that we would have to stick him in otherwise." Karin shot her companion a wide grin, letting the soccer ball settle by her feet as she did so.

Hitsugaya smirked in reply. "I know what you mean. That's partly why Tenth Division office has a sofa in it, so we can all keep an eye on Matsumoto when she passes out." Glancing at Urahara as the shopkeeper ran up Karin's purchases, he asked, "Did any news come from the Soul Society? The patrol should be finished up in two days, and Matsumoto and I will head back then."

"No, no, nothing's come in for you. And isn't this patrol more of a mandatory break for you?" Urahara replied.

Hitsugaya's familiar scowl settled into place as Karin burst into laughter beside him. "Being ordered to take a break—that sounds just like you, Toush!"

"Shut up," Toushirou growled. "It's not my fault that Matsumoto wanted to go on another shopping spree and 'conveniently' convinced Unohana-taichou that a trip to the Living World was just the thing to help my insomnia. All that paperwork was just too much, she said."

"You have insomnia?" Karin asked.

"No, Matsumoto drugged me and took pictures of me sleeping at my desk," he replied irritably. "Now I have to take part in 'leisurely activities' and 'stress-free pastimes' while I'm here, in addition to the regular Hollow-killing patrol. I can just feel the paperwork piling up back home." He grimaced at that last sentence.

"Leisurely activities, hmmm?" Urahara said. "Why, I have just the thing for you, Hitsugaya-taichou!"

"No thanks, Urahara. Matsumoto's already snapped photos of me playing soccer with Kurosaki and her friends. That counts as a leisurely activity," Hitsugaya replied.

"You call playing one-on-one with me _leisurely_?" Karin interrupted. "Oh, I'm going to make you_ eat_ those words later!"

"Will this happen before or after Yuzu-san yells at you for being late with her groceries?" Toushirou asked.

"Shiitake mushrooms!"Karin exclaimed, looking at the clock. She tossed some money on the counter and grabbed a bag and thrust it at Hitsugaya, reaching for the second one. A fan smacked her hand away, and she scowled as Urahara shook his head at her.

"Not so fast, Kurosaki-san," Urahara said. "I have the same offer for you."

"Offer? What offer?" she grumbled. "Just give me the groceries so we can go!"

"But aren't you interested in playing the most advanced virtual reality videogame in the world?" Urahara countered.

"Videogame?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Virtual reality?" Karin said.

"Yup! Wait right here." Urahara quickly made his way to the secret basement, and emerged with the two headsets. "Now, in a special limited-time offer, I can give these headsets to you (for free!) with the purchase of approximately two bags of groceries. Wait, that's not all! I'll even include a unique, non-taser TV remote control with absolutely no added charge. Yes, that's right! Absolutely no extra charge! All you have to do is tell me whether you liked it or not! But the offer expires in sixty seconds! Will you take it?"

"…you sound like one of those TV commercials," Karin said.

Urahara only laughed maniacally. "Forty-eight more seconds to go!"

"Then, no! I don't want it!" Karin yelled. "Just give me the damn groceries!"

"Nuh-uh! The groceries and the headsets are a package deal!" Urahara replied. "Wait! For a special bonus, I'll even throw in Jinta-kun as your personal slave for a week. Now…ten! Nine! Eight! Sev-"

Karin glowered at the eccentric shopkeeper before slamming her hand down on the counter and screaming, "Fine! I'll take it! Give me the stupid headsets. And tell Jinta that he is now the soccer club's ball boy and my personal punching bag for the next week."

"Great! Thank you, Kurosaki-san, you won't regret this purchase, I promise you," Urahara said.

"I think it's a bit late for that," Hitsugaya replied, dodging Karin's subsequent attempt to kick his shin. He picked up one of the headsets and peered at it curiously as Karin sighed and peppered Urahara with questions.

"What's the game about?" Karin asked. "How do the headsets work? Is it multi-player? If it's one of those lame romantic sims that Yuzu's always playing, I'm going to toss it out the window."

"Rest assured! It's a fantasy-type adventure, where you get to fight lots of monsters, defeat magical enemies, steal dangerous items, and kill people. There will be blood," Urahara said enticingly.

Karin perked up after this description, and even Hitsugaya looked mildly interested. Indeed, he was the one to pose the next question.

"But how will she play it?"

"Ah, you mean how will _both _of you be able to play it. It is a multi-player game, after all. You can team up, or even be rivals."

"Rivals? I like the sound of that," Karin said. Hitsugaya nodded as well.

"The game is easy to play. Simply put the headsets on and press the green buttons, then state how long you wish to play. The program will take care of the rest, and you will be completely immersed in the fantasy world of the game. You'll be able to feel as if you were actually walking, fighting, and generally living in the world of the video game. Hence, virtual reality headsets! Of course, your actual body will stay put on the couch, but your mind will be tricked into thinking you're actually moving. In addition, one hour of play roughly equals one day passing in game time, so you get more for less!" Urahara's eyes were wildly animated by the time he reached the end of his speech.

"Urahara-san," Hitsugaya said, "if we can feel things in the game like we would in real life, then does that mean we can feel pain, too?"

"Eh…about that…" Urahara sheepishly rubbed his head. "You _will_ actually be able to feel things like hunger and cold, and even minor scrapes and bruises will hurt, but things like loss of limbs or even death will only register as a slight electric buzz."

"How slight?" Karin asked.

"Umm, kind of like when your foot falls asleep and you start moving it again. Except times five."

"That doesn't sound too bad. It's not like I'm planning to get myself killed anyway. Thanks, Urahara-san. Toush and I'll probably try it out tomorrow or something, and we'll tell you how it went. Now, sorry, but I've_ really_ got to get home or Yuzu'll kill me. Don't forget to tell Jinta that he's now my slave!" Karin yelled, right as she exited the shop, Hitsugaya right behind her.

**…**

**…**

**…**

At the Kurosaki household, Yuzu _was _actually angry enough to give Karin a steely glare for being late, but quickly forgave her when she discovered that Urahara had given them twice the amount of food for half the usual price. Making her way into the kitchen to start cooking, she smiled at Hitsugaya and warmly invited him to stay for dinner. Hitsugaya was about to decline and say that it wasn't necessary, when he remembered that Orihime and Matsumoto had planned a "special feast" that night—and he'd eaten the last cup of instant noodles the day before. So he nodded his agreement and helped Karin set the table, smirking as they jostled each other in a race to see who could get the plates down faster.

Thirty minutes later, Hitsugaya was seriously reconsidering whether he should have taken up Yuzu's offer after all, as Ichigo glared at him menacingly from across the table and Isshin grinned and suggestively wiggled his eyebrows.

"Oh, Masaki! It looks like our middle child has_ finally_ brought a boyfriend home!" he cried.

Karin and Hitsugaya both started choking. Yuzu worriedly poured them some more water and patted Karin on the back. Ichigo slammed his hand down on the table and started yelling.

"Shut up, Otou-san! They're not dating! They're just friends!"

"Yeah! We're _just _friends!" Karin said. "Thanks for the support, Ichi-nii."

"No problem, Karin. You don't need this idiot to give you any weird ideas," Ichigo replied. Hitsugaya assumed he was referring to Isshin-san, but couldn't be sure as_ he_ was the one getting glowered at. Honestly, what was wrong with Kurosaki? Ever since Karin had started high school, Hitsugaya had become public enemy number three in Ichigo's eyes, second only to Kon and Jinta. Hitsugaya stopped his rambling thoughts and concentrated on the conversation.

"Look, Goat-chin, you never acted this way whenever I brought Donny or the other guys over! What the hell is wrong with Toushirou?" Karin asked, exasperated.

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing! He'll be a fine father to my grandchildren."

As Karin attempted to choke her father, Yuzu patted Hitsugaya on the back this time around. She also managed to intervene and get the two raven-haired Kurosakis to sit down again.

"Well, Karin, you have to admit that Hitsugaya-kun isn't exactly _like_ the other boys you're friends with," Yuzu said.

Karin's brow furrowed in puzzlement. "He's not? I mean, I know he's a shinigami and all, but…" Pausing, she scrutinized Hitsugaya's face so closely that he felt himself start to blush. "Nope, I don't see a difference. Is it because he has gravity-defying hair?"

Yuzu and Isshin smacked their foreheads in frustration. Ichigo, on the other hand, looked extremely relieved.

"Yeah, yeah! There's nothing special about him at all. He's just one of your awkward, soccer-freak, videogame-obsessed guy friends. Nothing to worry about at all," Ichigo stated.

"I'm not obsessed with videogames," Hitsugaya said, unaware that he was tacitly admitting to being "an awkward soccer freak." "I've never even played one."

"You've never even _played_ one?" Karin said. "Oh, man, it's sure lucky that we got that game from Urahara-san then. You can come over tomorrow at noon. It's a Saturday, so I won't be in school, and we can battle it out against fake, non-Hollow type monsters."

"Sounds good," Hitsugaya said.

"Wait! No way am I letting you come over here on a _date_!" Ichigo yelled.

"Chill out, Ichi-nii. You said it yourself—we're just friends. Besides, it's not like Yuzu and Goat-chin aren't going to be here to supervise us. Not exactly the type of setting that inspires fooling around," Karin replied.

"I'm going on a picnic tomorrow!" Isshin cried out. "They can stay alone all day, _playing videogames_," and here he winked, "without any parental interference."

"What the hell! What kind of dad _are _you?"Ichigo screamed.

"Um, Jinta-kun and I are going on a date, too," Yuzu admitted shyly. "He's taking me to the zoo."

As Ichigo's attention was suddenly diverted, Hitsugaya and Karin let out a sigh of relief, exchanging grins across the table.

_Be here tomorrow?_ she mouthed.

_Yeah_, he answered.

_Good. I'm gonna kick your ass_. She smiled.

Hitsugaya simply raised his glass to her in a silent salute. He wasn't worried about losing, however. Video games couldn't be_ that_ difficult to defeat.

**…**

**…**

**…**

Videogames _sucked! _

Karin had decided to start off Toushirou's videogame education with some of her personal favorites. For the past hour, he'd done battle with a multitude of different games, everything from _Dance, Dance Revolution_ (why was it so _sparkly_?) to _Final Fantasy _(why the hell wouldn't this Sephiroth guy just _die_ already?).

"I give up," he announced. "Let the angel-wannabe crawl into a hole somewhere and _die_."

"Hey, it's amazing you made it this far, considering it's your first time playing videogames," Karin said from her position on the couch. Toushirou was sitting on the carpet in front of her, mashing the buttons on the controller before tossing it away. "You were killer at Wii tennis."

"But I want to kill him!" Toushirou said, gesturing at the screen, where Sephiroth was currently laughing manically as the choir sang in the background.

"Yeah, yeah. Here, give me the controller," Karin said. Ten minutes later, she handed it back to him, as he stared blankly at the screen.

"…you killed him," he said.

"You're the one that wanted me to," Karin replied. "Quit sulking."

Toushirou sighed. "Your entertainment has gotten so complicated since I was last here. I mean, look at all the different machines you use, with all the different buttons and things. It was easier when all you needed was a computer screen and a mouse."

"Hmm? So you've played computer games before?"

"Yeah. Matsumoto brought one back a few years ago. It had a round, yellow circle that went around eating stuff and got chased by squid things."

"Round, yell—the last game you played was _Pac Man_?" Karin yelled. "That wasn't a few years ago—that was a few decades! Kami-sama, Yuzu was right. You aren't like the other boys I know. I mean, Pac Man?"

"Whatever," Toushirou replied. "Are we going to play this virtual reality game or not?"

"Sure. Guess by now you're up for it." Karin reached over and grabbed the helmets, handing one to Toushirou and, placing the other helmet on her head, she started making odd breathing noises.

"Luke, I am your father," she intoned.

"…what?" Toushirou said. He, too, put the helmet on.

"Man, after this we really need to have a movie day. _Star Wars_ is a classic. Anyway, here goes." Karin pressed the green button on the left side of the helmet. (AN: Think of a motorcyclist's helmet. One of the cool black ones.) A mechanical voice started speaking.

"Thank you for playing _Journey to Oz_. How long would you like to remain in the game world?"

"What the hell. I'll go for broke. Five hours," she said. "I don't think anything good'll happen in just three virtual days. You good with that, Toush?"

"Sure."

The mechanical voice spoke again. "Do you wish to have a single-player or a multi-player game?"

"Multi-player," Karin answered.

"Please have your fellow player turn on a second console." Toushirou went ahead and pushed the green button on his helmet and waited as the helmets synchronized.

"Now, do you wish to be a hero or a villain in Oz?" said the voice.

"Being a villain sounds cool," said Karin. Toushirou just knew she was grinning under the helmet.

"Request accepted," said the helmet.

"You be a hero, Toushirou. I can't see you as anything other than a good guy, with your goody-two-shoes personality."

Toushirou was about to reply when the helmet unexpectedly asked, "Do you wish to be a Goody-Two-Shoes?"

He scowled. "Hey, you don't have to make fun of me."

"Answer invalid. Do you wish to be a Goody-Two-Shoes?"

"Fine," he grumbled. Karin was laughing hysterically beside him.

"Very well. Request accepted. Initializing game sequence in three…two…one…" the mechanical voice said.

The helmets started glowing.

"Hey, is this supposed to happ—whoa!" Toushirou yelled. The living room started swirling with shadows, and he felt himself being sucked up into a ceiling of pure blackness. He spun around and around and around, right before—

—landing on the flat of his back.

"Oof!" he exclaimed softly. Standing up, he looked around to see what seemed to be an endless field of waving, golden wheat. He was standing in a little circle clearing smack dab in the middle of it.

_WTF!_ he thought. This was supposed to be a fantasy world? Where the hell _was_ he? He started to move to the edges of the clearing before a growl made him stop.

Something rustled in the wheat. Toushirou held his arms out in front of him in a battle stance, and prepared for the worst. He could take on whatever kind of monster was heading towards him!

A small, white, winged_ thing_ popped into the clearing. Toushirou stared at it for a few seconds. It kind of resembled a cute, chibi version of…

"Hyourinmaru?" he said. "Is that you?"

The…dragon…barked. Or at the very least, it said "Woof." It then ran forward and licked Toushirou's hand before rolling over and wagging its tail. Toushirou stared down at in shock before the mechanical voice started speaking into his ear.

"You have acquired Toto. Congratulations, Dorothy."

"_Dorothy?"_ Hitsugaya said. "My name is _not_ Dorothy!"

"Are you the player who requested to be Goody-Two-Shoes?" the mechanical voice asked. It didn't sound quite as mechanical anymore. In fact, it sounded a lot like Urahara's, with that same sly, knowing tone.

"Yes, but that doesn't make me Dorothy!" Toushirou yelled.

"On the contrary, it does. Welcome to Kansas, Dorothy," the voice replied. Glowing letters spelling the same message appeared in the air in front of Toushirou.

"WHAT. THE. HELL?" Toushirou screamed.

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**Endnote: And that's the beginning, folks! We hoped you liked it! Hopefully we'll update soon, but we're not making promises as NaNoWriMo's going on and school is still sucking the life out of us, but we promise we WILL do our best!**

**And for those of you who're up to date with the manga: DOESN'T KARIN LOOK AMAZING? Man, we're so psyched for this new arc! (Hope this was vague enough not to spoil anything for those who **_**aren't**_** caught up.)**

**Anyway, thank you for reading and please review! :)**


	2. Toushirou in Drag

**Author Note: Hello again, our lovely readers! CrazyAce'n'PokerFace are proud to present Chapter 2 of **_**Toushirou of Oz**_**. Though it may seem like ages since we've updated, this is actually up a lot sooner than we thought it would be. Anyway, thank you for deciding to read this! **

**Oh, and this chapter is specially dedicated to MeteorLeopard, because we think they're awesome because they're just like us (two people w/one fanfic account! Woot! Woot!), and because they wrote an amazingly long review which made our hearts flutter. Well, it made **_**my**_** heart flutter, and I'm sure PokerFace just doesn't want to admit it. Anyway, a big thanks to them, and to SebonzaMitsuki27 WHO ACTUALLY REVIEWED ONE OF OUR STORIES! OMG, I never actually thought she'd do it (because, seriously, comparing her stories and ours is like comparing the sun to a dim light bulb), but she did, so YAAAAY! It's like getting an autograph from J.K. Rowling. For everyone else who reviewed, alerted, or added this story to their favorites, more thank you's are located at the bottom. :D**

**Normal = prose, **_**italics**_** = thoughts, inner conversations, or Toto/Hyourinmaru talking. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They belong solely to Tite Kubo. However, if there was an alternate universe where I do own Bleach, I will promptly give my left arm to switch with my other self. (P.S. We don't own **_**The Wizard of Oz**_**, either.) :) **

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**Chapter Two: Toushirou in Drag**

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"What the HELL?" Toushirou yelled. _Kansas?_ What the hell was he doing in _Kansas_? That was in America, wasn't it? Weren't fantasy games supposed to be set in non-existent places? That's why they were called fantasy games! He was supposed to be some sort of hero in Oz, Kami-sama take it!

"Oi, voice, what's going on?" Toushirou demanded. "What am I doing here?"

"You are an eleven-year-old girl named Dorothy Gale. You live on a farm in Kansas with your beloved Aunt Em and Uncle Henry," the mechanical voice replied. It_ definitely_ sounded amused now. "Currently, you and your dog Toto are returning home from elementary school."

"Why the hell is the game called _Journey to Oz_ if I live in Kansas? And why—wait, I'm an eleven-year-old _girl_?" Toushirou cried out. He didn't know which was worse, the fact that he was apparently a pre-pubescent, elementary school student (Karin would die of laughter) or the fact that he was supposedly female (Karin would die of laughter, get to Soul Society, and die laughing _again_). "Look, I'm obviously a guy! A teenage guy! And my name is_ not_ Dorothy!"

"Whatever you say, Dorothy," the voice said. "The fact remains that you and your dog, Toto—"

"His name is Hyourinmaru! And despite being chibi-fied, he's obviously still a dragon!" Toushirou interrupted.

"—you and your dog, Toto," the voice continued, ignoring him completely, "are approximately five minutes from being swept away by an oncoming tornado."

Tornado? Well, that sounded more exciting than wheat fields, at least. Karin would probably like riding out a tornado. Actually, where _was_ Karin? He was just about to ask the voice where she was when it began speaking again.

"Make that two minutes," it said in bored tone. "Please make your way over to the house on your left to avoid the tornado's approach from the right."

"Huh?" Toushirou asked. Looking to his left, he did in fact see a cozy little farmhouse that _hadn't_ been there five seconds ago. Shrugging a little, he turned to his right and did a double take. Coming his way was a huge, black tornado that _definitely_ hadn't been there five seconds ago!

As he gaped in shock at the sight, Hyourinmaru started barking madly and suddenly jumped out of his arms, heading straight for the farmhouse before turning back and stopping. He cocked his head in a manner that definitely inquired, _Well, aren't you going to_ follow _me, master? There's a tornado coming, you know, and while I am your faithful and loyal dog, I really would prefer not to die by your side _right this minute_._

_Wait a minute_, Toushirou thought. _I could have sworn I heard him say that out loud..._

_Of course you can hear me_, Hyourinmaru replied. _Though not exactly "out loud;" it's more "in thought." Dogs can communicate wordlessly with their masters, yes? Now, let's get a move-on, master!_ Tail wagging and wings flapping, Hyourinmaru made his way over to the house with Toushirou following quickly. After all, it wasn't that odd that Hyourinmaru was talking to him in his head; he did it all the time in the real world. This Hyourinmaru had the same alternately bossy yet oddly devoted tone the real zanpakutou spirit did, too, even if he was a bit more talkative.

_Oi! Honorable yet stupid master! Get your butt moving! Tornado at twelve o'clock and closing fast! I'm _this _close to ditching you and saving my own hide! Get in the cottage so we can avoid the whole 'me licking your cold, dead face while lamenting scene' and get straight into the action and screaming!_

Scratch that, this _thing _wasn't like Hyourinmaru at all_. _Apparently this version was also more likely to insult Toushirou. At least the other Hyourinmaru had kept the insults to just "boy," or "midget" if he was particularly annoyed. Though he had to admit _this_ Hyourinmaru's advice was sound.

Toushirou opened the door and rushed inside. Just as he and Hyourinmaru slammed the door shut, the tornado hit the house. Suddenly there was a huge jolt and an earsplitting smash.

"Holy shiitake mushrooms! What was that?" Toushirou asked Hyourinmaru, who had taken refuge under a layer of sofa cushions and tea cozies.

_Master, not to state the obvious, but that was the tornado,_ said Hyourinmaru, peeking out from his swathe of fabrics.

"I know that! But what is with the ripping sounds and the sudden feeling of weightlessness and the spinning?" screamed Toushirou. All of a sudden, as if the room had developed a mind of its own, the furniture started flying around and the whole world began spinning crazily.

An extraordinary amount of hard objects flew at Toushirou. He was able to dodge the majority of them, but he took a large metal teapot to the head. He then learned that bludgeoning teapots went under the "minor scrapes and bruises" category and therefore felt shockingly realistic.

_Well, I'm not certain, but I'm pretty sure that was the house being ripped from its foundations and flying up into the air. Now, if you don't mind, I'll return to whimpering like the scared little dog I am._

"Wait one second! I _do_ mind!What the hell do you mean that the house is flying?" Toushirou yelled.

The only reaction Toushirou got was violent shivering and more moaning and sobbing from the little bundle of fabric.

"Oi! Explain what the heck is going on!"

"Ahem, if you wish for an explanation I'll be more than happy to oblige."

Oh great, the voice was back. And was it just him or did it sound awfully familiar?

"The unexpected airborne quality of your humble home is a preplanned event designed for the sole purpose of starting your Journey to Oz, Dorothy,"

"My name is _not_—oh, whatever! Does this mean I'll finally get to see some of that blood and violence I was promised?"

"Yes, you'll soon see plenty of blood during your adventures in Oz. And may I mention that I am very happy to see you finally accepting your feminine side, Dorothy-chan? Denial of your true self is very unhealthy for you psychologically," the voice said slyly.

The voice_definitely _reminded Toushirou of someone.

"Enough with the Dorothy nonsense already and get me to Oz!"

"Your request will be granted momentarily, as soon as your character settings are chosen and your mission has been specified."

"Character settings?" Toushirou asked. This sounded promising. Karin had told him that you could choose what you looked like and what special abilities you had in most games…maybe he could change the whole "Dorothy" thing now…

"Yes. Would like me to inform you of your designated settings as Dorothy?"

Wait—did the voice just say designated settings? _Designated _settings? Did that mean what he thought it meant?

"Hey! What do you mean 'designated'? Are you saying I'm stuck as a girl for the whole game?" he yelled. "No way! I refuse! Cancel the damn Goody-Two-Shoes mode!"

"Request denied. To cancel a preset character mode, one must quit the game and start over from the beginning."

"Then do that!" Toushirou exclaimed, while still trying to retain his balance and dodge that stupid teapot.

"Warning: to restart the game, one must then choose single-player mode, as all multi-player connections one currently possesses will be lost. Would you like to continue with the restart?"

"No!" Karin would probably kill him—or worse, be disappointed with him.

"Then would you like to hear the designated character settings as Dorothy?"

"Fine, damn it! But can't I change _anything_?" Toushirou asked, desperate.

"Some aspects of your character can be changed, such as age, gender, and appearance, but your race, occupation, and statistics/skills are permanent qualities of the character 'Dorothy.'"

"So I can be a guy?" Toushirou inquired hopefully.

"Yes. Would you like to change your gender to male?"

"YES!"

"Request granted. To see what your character now looks like, please grab the flying teapot and take the lid off in order to access the viewing screen."

A brief struggle ensued as Toushirou tried to get a hold of the teapot without being knocked unconscious. Eventually, he was able to take the lid off, causing a screen to appear in front of him. It showed a large-eyed, innocent-looking version of his eleven-year-old self—wearing pigtails and a blue-and-white-checkered dress.

"What the—? I'm still a girl! Change my gender! And my hair! And get me out of that stupid dress!"

"Request number one has already been granted. Request numbers two and three are also possible. What would you like to change?"

"You mean I'm already a guy…? But then why do I still look like that?"

"Inherent facial features are unchangeable. It is not the program's fault that you are what is commonly referred to as a 'pretty boy.' Now, how would you like to change your appearance?"

Toushirou scowled at the pretty boy remark, but seriously considered the question. "Just give me the hairstyle I have right now. And you said I could change my age, right? So make me fifteen in human years, same as Karin." Toushirou nodded as the character onscreen changed with his requests, and frowned thoughtfully as he considered what else he would want to do, then straightened as an idea occurred to him. "Hey, can you make me taller, too? Like, 6'3" or something?" he asked eagerly.

"Request invalid. Height of an in-game human character cannot exceed that of their physical self. Character height can change only if one is a villain, specifically an ogre, a giant, or a witch. The last race can magically change height at will, while the former races all have a minimum in-game height of ten feet. No hero race's average height exceeds that of seven feet."

Well, that pretty much sucked. Being a hero and a Goody-Two-Shoes looked less appealing with every passing second. Karin definitely had the jump on him, character-wise. In the meantime, he definitely had to do something about that dress.

"Hey, can you get me out of that dress now?" he asked.

"Of course. The secondary option is the tutu mini-skirt dress in Sunset Red." The image on the screen suddenly changed—and how Toushirou wished it hadn't. He didn't think anything would look worse than the blue dress, but he was hideously wrong.

"Gah! My eyes! Change it back, change it back!" Toushirou screamed. He could hear Hyourinmaru snickering in the background.

_Aw, it didn't look that bad, master. It really showed off your legs_, Hyourinmaru said snidely.

"Shut up! Ugh," Toushirou groaned in frustration. "Look, do you have anything…robe-like?" he asked, thinking of his familiar shihakusho and haori.

"An additional option, limited only to the Goody-Two-Shoes character mode, would be the Aunty Em Bath Robe in Delicate Pink. Please note the fine embroidery along the hem, the softness of the chenille fabric, the—"

"The fact that no teenage boy would want to wear it?" Toushirou said dryly. The way the voice said that sentence reminded him of somebody. Serious consideration of that would have to wait later, preferably when he back on solid ground and no longer in danger of losing his kidneys to a moving sofa…"Look, can't I wear anything else?"

"You may buy outfits later on in the game, after you have acquired the requisite amount of gold coins, which is Oz's currency. For now, however, these are your only options."

"Fine," Toushirou muttered reluctantly. "Then I'll…I'll…I'll take the blue dress."

"Excellent choice! You have now acquired The Blue-and-White-Checkered Dress, which allows for great mobility while also being of a modest and proper length for a young girl in the 1920's. Also included is the hand-woven picnic basket which doubles as a carrier for Toto. In addition, the length lets you conceal several hidden weapons."

"Hidden weapons?" That sounded promising.

"Yes. Your designated occupation allows you to possess several."

Oh, yeah. "What is my occupation anyway?"

"As Dorothy, your designated race is 'Human' and your occupation is 'Thief,' with a sub-occupation of 'Damsel in Distress.' Your statistics correspond with your occupation, and include high levels of speed, minimal levels of strength, average intelligence, a significant amount of luck, and a 100-point bonus of Health, acquired from your background living on a farm. Skills include the unique ability to steal all the possessions of those you defeat, in addition to the usual gain of more experience and health points. The Damsel in Distress occupation also lets you cry out for help and compel all of your allies within a specific radius to immediately come running to aid you."

"I'm a thief? What happened to the whole 'Dorothy is a modest and innocent young lady' spiel? And what is _with_ that last power? Since when is screaming for help considered an ability?" Kami-sama help him, Karin was going to have a field day with his character; he'd never live this down.

The voice continued on as if it hadn't heard him. "A special feature of the Goody-Two-Shoes mode includes the free pet Toto, who possesses unique abilities and will act as your guide."

"Special abilities? Like what?" Toushirou looked doubtfully at the shaking pile of cloths that was moving back and forth across the rocking floor.

"Request for information denied. You may discover the bonus abilities during the course of the game. Character settings are now 98% complete. Do you have any additional questions or requests concerning this topic?"

"No, I don't think so. Wait! What other races are available for heroes?"

"Request to change race is invalid due to preset character settings."

"I know already! Would you stop saying that? I just want to know what kind of people are on my side!" Toushirou said, exasperated.

"Very well. Your allies include all Humans, Wizards, Elves, Beasts, and Munchkins. Occupations you would get along with are 'Tinmen,' 'Scarecrows,' 'Guardians,' and 'Healers.' Avoid 'Witches' and 'Flying Monkeys.'"

"There are Flying Monkeys? I was hoping for more dragons and demons, those kinds of monsters."

_Oh, trust me, master, those Flying Monkeys are plenty monster-like_, Toto—Hyourinmaru—said. _Especially the one with freaky orange hair._

"Orange hair?"

"_Ahem_," said the voice, sounding annoyed. "Additional game information is currently forbidden." Its tone implied that those who continued to blab anyway were in danger of getting muzzled. "Now, back to the point. Character settings are 99.9% complete. Are you content with your character settings?"

"No," Toushirou replied. His character's name was _Dorothy_, for Kami-sama's sake.

"Invalid answer. Are you content with your character settings?"

"Yes," he ground out through his teeth. Maybe this game would finally get a move on, and the house would stop spinning. He was starting to get a headache.

"Answer accepted," the voice said gleefully. "Your mission will now be revealed: Return to Kansas."

"WHAT? What kind of lame mission is _that_? I just left there! Where's the killing and the violence and the blood I was promised? I demand a refund!" Toushirou yelled.

"Refunds are unavailable if you examine the small print," the voice said.

"The small print? Urahara!" Toushirou yelled. "Is that you? That's your voice, isn't it? Damn it, you better not be recording all this!"

The voice replied, "While my voice is based on the genius inventor Urahara Kisuke's, I am not responsible for any of his antics and am unaware if this session is being recorded for research purposes, though the possibility is quite likely."

"No way! I _told_ Karin this was a bad idea!" Toushirou yelled.

"Warning: character settings and mission goals are now complete. Immersion in Oz will occur in thirty seconds…"

"Hey, we stopped moving," Toushirou observed. Indeed, the room seemed eerily suspended and no longer spun madly.

_Oh, no_, Hyourinmaru whimpered. _We're in the eye of the tornado. Here it comes._

"Here _what_ comes?" Toushirou asked.

_We're entering Oz…_

"That sounds good," Toushirou replied.

…_through a swirling black vortex._

"WHAT?" Toushirou ran to the window and looked out. "I don't see any black holes; it's all just cows, chickens, pitchforks, a tractor, and…is that another house? Hey, is Karin in that one?"

_Master, I suggest you look above us and start worrying about yourself instead of your girlfriend._

"She's not my girlfr—what the HELL IS THAT?" Toushirou replied.

_It's the black hole. Grab the sofa, master_, Hyourinmaru suggested, finally leaving his corner and jumping into Toushirou's arms, whereupon he promptly bit the collar of his shirt in an effort to retain a good grip.

Toushirou followed his advice, a sinking feeling in his stomach as the voice started to count down:

"Arrival commences in ten…nine…eight…"

Toushirou squeezed his eyes shut as Hyourinmaru whimpered and the house started shaking.

"…seven…six…five…"

Oh, why did he ever listen to Karin? He knew he should've tossed the helmet out the window, her challenging grin be damned!

"…four…three…two…"

It was his own damn fault he was so competitive. Now he was stuck as a Damsel in Distress named Dorothy!

"…one…"

_Oh, great, here's where we get all pixel-ly_, Hyourinmaru grumbled.

"…zero."

And for the second time in fifteen minutes, Toushirou's world went black.

**…**

**…**

**…**

There was a soft thud as the house landed.

Toushirou tentatively opened his eyes and then frowned.

What was with the color? It was like being in color pages except … constantly.

Then Toushirou remembered something even more important. He looked down and groaned. His usual black shirt and jeans had dissolved into that…that _monstrosity _of a dress.

Hyourinmaru had recovered from being ripped apart by the black hole and the truly unique feeling of being put back together and was laughing his butt off on the floor, rolling around in the throes of his giggles.

_M-master y-y-you look absolutely stunning! Hahahahaha! No, please, I can't_ _take anymore. It's too much…oh, I'm going to die. My ribs hurt…_

"Shut up! You know I didn't choose to wear this. Now where are we and where is the closest place I can buy clothes?" Toushirou snarled

_We're in Oz, Master. _

"Yeah, I know, but _where _exactly in Oz are we?"

_Hmm…from the look of things, I think we're in—wait, what was that sound?_

"What sound?" Toushirou asked, frowning.

As he listened carefully, he could hear some odd muffled sounds from outside the house. Like … high pitched screaming, and was that off-key singing?

"Meep-meep meep meep-meep-meep MEEP!

Meep meep meep meep meep!

Meep meep meep meep!

Meep meep ma-meep!

Meep meep meep meep

Meep meep meep meep meep

Meep meep ma-mee-meep ma-mee-meep meep-meeps!

Meep meep ma-mee-meep meep meep meep meep!

Meep meep ma-mee-meep meep meep meep meep!

Meep meep ma-mee-meep meep meep meep meep!

Ma-meep meep meep ma-meep meep ma-meep!"

"What the heck are they saying? It sounds as if they're repeating the same word over and over again."

_It's called Meep, master, the language of the Munchkins._

"Munchkins, huh?" From the sound of their name, he assumed they were cannibals. After all, munch (to chew) + kin (family or kind) = people who chew their own kind. What kind of savages were they? And he wished they would stop that screeching and singing. Their vocal range was amazing if they could reach notes that high.

"What are they saying?" he inquired.

Hyourinmaru cocked his head to the side. _Hmm. Give me a bit. They're saying something about…a dead witch. Apparently, she's been oppressing and torturing them with something called a…Chappy?_

"Chappy? Don't tell me…"

_Ah! And they're saying their oppression has ended because a huge, ginormous, extremely gargantuan house landed on her! Master, I think they're talking about us! We're being hailed as heroes! Well, technically, the house is being hailed as a hero, but we own the house, so that doesn't matter._

This was just great. If his suspicions were correct, he'd just killed somebody who sounded an awful lot like Rukia…and what was that about a gigantic house? Wasn't it more like a small cottage? After all, it only had one room. How big were these Munchkins anyway?

_Ah, it's so good to be in Munchkinland. I'll finally have people I can see eye to eye with_, Hyourinmaru said.

"What? Eye to eye…? Well, whatever. We're going outside now and seeing the damage."

_Of course, master. Following you faithfully now_, Hyourinmaru said as Toushirou walked over to the front door and threw it open.

Attracting the gazes of several small dwarf-like creatures singing outside.

Wait… these things were Munchkins? They didn't look like cannibals at all. In fact, they looked like chibi versions of shinigami that Toushirou knew. Over there was one that looked like Madarame, and next to him was one that looked like Ayesegawa…oh, and look, right there in front of them, waving her arms conducting the whole thing was a really miniature Yachiru.

The 11th Division were _Munchkins_?

"Hyourinmaru, I thought Munchkins were primitive warriors with odd teeth and a tendency to eat their own kind," said Toushirou hesitantly.

_Where did you get that idea? Munchkins are the smallest of the humanoid races with overly large heads, huge eyes, and small, strong bodies. The thirteen Munchkin villages, known as divisions, are ruled by the Witch of the East. Though in the case of these particular Munchkins, you got the primitive warrior bit correct. _

"Meep meep meep! Meep meep meep meep ma-meep!" They all screamed as they fell into a dogeza position.

"Hyourinmaru, translate that last bit," said Toushirou.

_Um, they said their new mistress has arrived with the red boots that are proof of her legitimate succession._

"How did you get all that out of a few meeps? And who is this 'mistress' they're talking about?" Toushirou asked.

_Meep is a very complicated language. And, well… they seem to think that _you_ are their new mistress._

Hitsugaya blinked and then lifted the hem of his dress to look at his feet. A horrified expression came over his face as he realized that he was wearing _red, sparkly, leather boots with high heels!_

Toushirou was now officially dressed in drag.

* * *

**Endnote: And that's chapter two! We hope you enjoyed it, as we had a ton of fun writing it! You can thank PokerFace for writing a good fourth of it and pestering me to actually work on it. If he hadn't, you probably wouldn't have seen this until March at the earliest. But now that my minion is effectively begging me and bugging me to write, the next chapter should come out faster! (Just saying **_**should**_**, because **_**will**_** never seems to work…not because I don't love writing, but just because life gets in the way, much like how elephants get in the way of zebras at watering holes.)**

**Anyway, we'd like to thank the following people for alerting/reviewing/adding-this-story-to-their-favorites: VanDerAa, AVAgrl, Ziya Hitsugaya, Kiwi-kiwi-kii, Rose Zaki, Yaoi and Darkchocolat, zZemoKITTYzZ, Thunder Claw03, meggie-moo s, Sayo-chan64, SaintFirestar666, SilverDragonEyeCardSpiritWolf, Moon of Jupiter, Kanarekana, starySan, HitsuKarin-sama, bleedingxinxspace, Vampqueen27, HitsuKarin Lurver, hearing-v0ices, Ethereal Crow, MeteorLeopard, saras6, Leif the Lucky, JustaDreamerinaFairyTail, Nyxtolouloudo, and SebonzaMitsuki27. **

**If we've forgotten you or spelled your name wrong, TELL US! Seriously, I feel so guilty when I notice I forgot someone's name or spelled it wrong. Oh, and thank you to everyone who's read this drabble series as well. :D**

**Note: Certain pen names, namely those with a period in the middle, have been spelled wrong so that Document Manager will not erase them. We apologize to anyone who is offended by this. **

**Thank you for reading, and please review! :) **


	3. Munchkins, Bunnies, and Feminine Assets

**Author Note: Hello again, our lovely readers! Welcome to Chapter 3 of **_**Toushirou of Oz**_**. Thanks for taking the time to read our story! **

**This chapter is dedicated to Rose Zaki for her awesome review, which made **_**us **_**want to roll around the floor laughing. :D For everyone else who reviewed, alerted, or added this story to their favorites, more thank you's are located at the bottom. :D**

**Normal = prose, **_**italics**_** = thoughts, inner conversations, or Toto/Hyourinmaru talking. **

**WARNING: This chapter contains Eleventh Division, so be prepared for some language, lots of violence, mentions of alcohol and even drug use, and inhumane methods of torture. :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They belong solely to Tite Kubo. However, if there was an alternate universe where I do own Bleach, I will promptly give my left arm to switch with my other self. (P.S. We don't own **_**The Wizard of Oz**_**, either.) Additionally, no Chappy Bunnies were harmed with the writing of this chapter. :) **

* * *

**Chapter Three: Munchkins, Bunnies, and Feminine Assets**

* * *

He was wearing boots._ High-heeled_ boots. _Red _high-heeled boots. Could his day get any worse?

Toushirou watched dismally as a Munchkin that closely resembled Zaraki Kenpachi walked over to him and scowled.

"Meep meep meep ma-meep meep meep mee meep ma-meep," said Zaraki.

"What did he say, Hyourinmaru?"

_I'm tired of translating. Why don't you buy the translator that that bald one's waving around? _

"I don't have any money!" Toushirou protested.

_Yes, you do. You earned a bloody ton of it for squashing that witch just now. Just rifle through that basket of yours and hand over five coins to Baldy._

Sure enough, when Toushirou opened the picnic basket, a holographic screen popped up, one half containing listings of his stats and the other half taken up with a mostly darkened map, with a part of the left corner lit up and labeled "Munchkinland & Villages." A small red dot labeled "Dorothy" and a smaller blue-green dot labeled "Toto" indicated their presence near "Eleventh Division." At the bottom of the screen was a tool bar with several buttons. One said "Help," but as it had a picture of Urahara holding a microphone next to the words, he ignored it and instead touched a blinking golden star.

After touching it, the screen exploded into sparks and the annoying voice began to speak out loud.

"Congratulations! By defeating the Witch of the East, you have now taken all of the possessions she had when she perished. This includes one Chappy Bunny doll, one million gold coins, and the special magic item the Red Ruby Boots."

"ONE MILLION COINS?" Toushirou gasped. Why on earth was Rukia carrying that much money on her? How did she get so rich? Oh, wait, she was a Kuchiki. Stupid question. More importantly…_he_ owned those coins now! Being a thief _rocked!_ Grinning to himself, he belatedly noticed that the voice had continued speaking and hurriedly refocused.

"Yes, you may access these coins by opening your money pouch and removing the amount you wish to spend," the voice said helpfully. Following its instructions, Toushirou touched the icon on the tool bar that looked like a small, red leather bag—only to jump in surprise as it fell out of the screen and onto the floor.

"What the—? Things can come out of the screen?" he yelped. Did that mean if he clicked on the "Help" button, Urahara would come out to haunt him?

He was _never_ pressing that thing.

_Well, it_ is_ a picnic basket, master. One would surmise that it contains physical objects,_ Hyourinmaru stated dryly. _Now hurry and pick the pouch up; it isn't going to bite you. However, Baldy _does_ look like he's tired of waving the translator around and is probably considering just throwing it at your ankle instead._

Rolling his eyes in response, Toushirou picked up the bag and pulled on the drawstrings.

It was empty. He reached in and rummaged around—nothing. He held it upside down and shook it over his palm—nothing. He held it up to his face to inspect—nothing.

Disgruntled, Toushirou was about to throw the thing at the nearest Munchkin when he heard Hyourinmaru snickering in the background.

_Ahem. Sorry, master, but you do recall that you're supposed to ask it for the amount you want, right?_

"Right," Toushirou muttered, slightly embarrassed. "I knew that." Clearing his throat, he said, "Five coins, please."

And suddenly, he could feel something drop into the pouch. Reaching into it, he pulled out five coins and stared at them for a few moments. Video games made no sense at all sometimes. Shrugging, he gave the money to a rather irritated-looking Madarame, who in turn slapped a small bracelet onto his palm. Toushirou put it on and suddenly all the meeps started to make sense. Cocking his ear, he could now understand the distant singing in the background, presumably coming from a group of Munchkins who were still preparing a celebration as opposed to scouting the house that killed their mistress. If he heard them correctly, the lyrics were rather…cheerfully chilling.

"The Witch of the East is dead!

A house fell on her head!

Now we are free!

To live happy!

And fight and kill

And do what we will

As the Edible Muttons!

And do whatever we need to win!

And cheat however we need to win!

And KILL whoever we need to win!

Even if it means stabbing with a pin!"

Huh. So it seemed that the Thirteen Court Guard Divisions were the Thirteen Munchkin Villages in the game. And that had to be Eleventh Division—no other division had such enthusiastic singers, and no one anywhere could beat them at being hideously off-key. But what the heck did they mean by edible muttons? Well, it did sound like Yachiru was the one who wrote the lyrics, so he supposed it was her idea.

Hey, wait a minute. If there was an Eleventh Division, did that mean there was a miniature _Tenth_ Division with its own tiny, drunken version of Matsumoto? He'd have to avoid it, if that was the case. He already had enough trouble with his fukutaicho in the _real_ world without having to deal with her in the virtual world as well...he could just see a Munchkin version of her, drinking out of a saké bottle twice her size…

"Mistress? Mistress?" A worried voice interrupted his musings. The Munchkins had ceased bowing to him and were now looking at him expectantly.

"Yes…?" he said. He didn't exactly want to admit to being their "mistress," but he figured it would be better to find out what they wanted first and correct them about his gender later.

(He really wished Hyourinmaru would stop laughing, though.)

"Oh, great and terrible (and extremely gorgeous) mistress! We, your humble servants, prostate ourselves in front of your feet and thank you for ridding us of our last tyrannical ruler, who often tortured us with inhumane actions," murmured the small figure that _had_ to be Ayesegawa.

Zaraki scowled and kicked the groveling Ayesegawa out of the way.

"Oi, you! Girly! As glad as I am that you got rid of the Chappy-lover, there is no way I'm letting myself accept the rule of anyone but myself, my sword, and occasionally Yachiru's stomach." To punctuate his words, the mini-Zaraki pointed what looked like a thin, serrated kitchen knife in Toushirou's direction. "Now get outta town before I use this thing on you!"

Okay, that was _it_. Toushirou considered himself a patient man, but he had had enough of this ridiculous situation. He hadn't done anything wrong (okay, well, maybe he accidentally killed Rukia—but that wasn't his fault!) and these Munchkins kept on insulting him! Who did they think they were, telling him to get lost? And how dare they assume he was a girl! Honestly, just because he was wearing a dress… "_Girly! Mistress!_ Who the _hell_ do you think you're talking to?" he yelled.

"Um, the angelic, beautifully stunning, completely irresistible Goddess of Loveliness?" Ayesegawa said uncertainly.

"Let's get one thing straight! I. Am. A. GUY! I am dressed in this…monstrosity…because I was forced to—against my will! The next imbecile who mentions the way I'm dressed will be minced to pieces and fed to my pet dragon. Now, one of you Munchkins get me some pants and another one find me some comfortable shoes!" Toushirou shouted.

Toushirou ceased his tirade, only to look quizzically at the frozen crowd of Munchkins, all of whom had appalled expressions on their faces. Ayesegawa's face was particularly horrified, as if Toushirou had just ordered him to cut off all his hair and make it into a wig for Madarame.

Then the whispers started.

"Did she just say that she's a…guy?" one of them whispered, disbelieving.

"No way! Just look at that face! There's no way she's a guy!" another one retorted.

"Yeah! Can't be! She must be confused 'cuz of the landing! Maybe she got hit in the head and got am—am—you know, the thing where you lose your marbles?" another Munchkin speculated.

"Ohh. That explains it!"

"But how could she forget her own gender?"

"Well, she is missing some _oomph_, if you know what I mean, hur hur," said a particularly lewd-looking Munchkin, elbowing the one next to him. Sniggers ensued, catching like wild-fire, and Toushirou was subjected to an insulting appraisal of his feminine assets—or lack thereof. Toushirou glared. If he remembered correctly, the third Munchkin's Eleventh Division counterpart's name was…Maki-Maki? That sounded about right. Well, either way, he was definitely remembering that idiot's face and murdering the real one once he got back to Soul Society—and the rest of Eleventh Division to boot!

"Well, even if her chest's flat as a board, she's still got a pretty enough face and a sexy enough body to keep a man warm at night!" Maki-Maki continued, earning grins from his comrades.

"YEAH!" the Munchkins chorused.

"I mean, she's not any flatter than Rukia-sama, and our previous mistress was still smokin' hot!"

"YEAAAAHHHH!" the Munchkins cheered again.

"If only she hadn't been taken." Maki-Maki shook his head and sighed. Everyone nodded mournfully.

"Yeah. And if only she didn't have a habit of turning everyone into bunnies and forcing them to wear Chappy costumes," another one said.

Everyone shuddered.

Maki-Maki soon recovered, and pointed out, "Hey! We got a new mistress now! And she's even sexier than the last one! We just have to convince her that she's a woman!" He stopped and wiggled his eyebrows. "And_ I_ volunteer for the job!"

"No way! I want to convince her!" another one yelled.

"No, I'll do it! I'll do it!"

"You do it? You can't even convince us you're a Munchkin! How're you going to convince her she's a woman when you're not even a _real_ man?"

"Take that back, you son of a—!"

And like most conversations amongst Eleventh Division members, either there in Seireitei or here in Munchkinland, talking devolved into a general, all-out fist-, knee-, teeth-, whatever-you-had-on-you-and-then-some-fight involving every-frickin'-body and some not-so-innocent bystanders. (Look, if they were standing close by when Eleventh Division members were talking/arguing, they probably deserved it.)

Meanwhile, Ayesegawa, Madarame, and Zaraki were testing out their own theories as to why their new mistress thought she was a guy.

"Maybe she was born a girl, but is really a guy on the inside?" Ayesegawa speculated. "We have to be very accepting of her—I mean, of him. Transgendered people are completely normal—they just happen to have the wrong body."

"What, like you?" Madarame replied.

"_What?_ Ikkaku, how can you _say_ such a thing?" Ayesegawa cried out.

"Don't deny it. I know you're happy to find a kindred soul. You're probably already designing some freaky outfits for her, just like you did for Rukia-sama," Madarame replied, swinging his spear a few times, not particularly attentive to the conversation. "I don't know how that's gonna work out, though, since she wants to be a guy. What about you, Taichou?" he asked Zaraki while Ayesegawa fumed in the background. "What do you think we should do about the new girl?"

Zaraki grinned, and even though he was only three feet high (including about six inches of hair) in this world, he still managed to give off an aura of extreme danger. "I don't care about her gender, as long as she can put up a good fight!" This being said, he faced Toushirou again, ready to skewer him to bits—

Only to pause as he took in the scene before him.

Toushirou, tired of hearing the Munchkins argue about who was going to show him he was really a woman (cue wiggled eyebrows) had started rampaging amongst them, stomping around in his red high-heeled boots and yelling. Actually, he pretty much resembled Godzilla laying waste to Tokyo, albeit in a blue frock and holding a picnic basket. Toto/Hyourinmaru, meanwhile, had died of laughter and was now sprawled on the floor, yelling out a few encouragements now and then.

Neither of them noticed Maki-Maki taking advantage of the chaos to look up Toushirou's skirt. His expression was ridiculously perverted until he actually got there and looked up—then it was just traumatized.

He promptly started screaming.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! She's a frickin' guy! She's like a eunuch or something!" he yelled, horrified. Everyone stopped in mid-punch to stare and take in the revelation.

"No way! Really?" a few asked, horrified once more.

"Yeah!" Maki-Maki replied. "Check this out!" And he subsequently lifted Toushirou's skirts, giving everyone a view of our favorite ice-taichou's green boxers and decidedly _male _legs.

"Ewwwww!" Everyone cried out and covered their eyes. A few members even fainted. Maki-Maki dropped the skirts and started slinking away. However, Toushirou knocked him down with a kick, lifted one boot-clad foot, and promptly dug the pointy heel where no man ever wants to be injured. Maki-Maki's screams of surprise quickly morphed into screams of agony.

"Who's the eunuch now, you stupid idiot?" Toushirou taunted. A few seconds later, he blinked in surprise as a cloud of mist enveloped Maki-Maki…and faded to reveal a rather stricken-looking bunny.

"What the _hell?_" Toushirou exclaimed, completely mystified. He grew even more confused as the mood of the crowd changed from somewhat horrified to completely panic-stricken.

"Quick! Someone find the master some pants _now!_" yelled Madarame. "And somebody go get Unohana! Tell her we got a victim! And you grab Yachiru! She still has the harness, and we're going to need it for Aramaki when he wakes up, the poor bastard." Madarame shook his head sadly as his commands sent several Munchkins running, a group being led by Ayesegawa to the nearest clothing store and two others heading out to fetch Unohana and Yachiru. Meanwhile, a few members were attempting to revive Maki-Maki with carrot sticks, though they appeared to be unsuccessful.

Toushirou sat down, bemused, as he watched the Eleventh Division bustle around him. He noted that all of them were shooting him nervous glances and throwing themselves onto the floor, performing dogezas if he so much as looked at them. A few had even walked over to Hyourinmaru and were offering him some sort of steak. Toushirou made his way over to his dragon and sat down beside him, watching as more Munchkins brought him a steak as well, and started fanning the two of them with leaves.

"Okay," Toushirou said, eying them with suspicion. "Could somebody please explain to me what just happened here?"

_Well, master, you've asserted your rights as the master of Munchkinland and duly punished one of your subordinates for insulting you. So now we get plenty of respect, first-class treatment, and five-star food_, Hyourinmaru stated happily. _Oh, and it looks like you're going to get out of that dress as soon as the feathered one comes back with clothes, so I suggest you just sit back and relax. Enjoy being the most powerful, most feared, and _tallest_ person around while it lasts._

"Wait a minute. I'm getting out of this thing?" Toushirou said, thumping his hand against the skirt of the dress. "That's great! Best thing of the day!" He paused. "Well, best thing after seeing Maki-Maki's expression as a rabbit. Nobody's explained how that happened yet."

Hyourinmaru tilted his head to the side, but before he was able to answer, one Zaraki Kenpachi swaggered up to Toushirou and started brandishing his kitchen knife again.

"Look, just because you wear the boots in this relationship doesn't mean you can boss us around whenever you want! Those boots don't change a thing, ya hear me? We're only obeying you this time cuz' you're in a desperate need of a pair of trousers." Zaraki glared balefully at Toushirou, though he also stayed out of kicking range.

"What do these boots have to do with anything?" Toushirou asked as he lifted one in the air.

"Be careful with those! One wrong tap could kill us, or _worse_—turn the rest of us into bunnies!" Zaraki bellowed.

Everyone started nodding. "Just like Aramaki!"

"Seriously?" Toushirou asked Hyourinmaru.

_Yup, if you're powerful enough you can do pretty much anything with them. Not that you _are _powerful enough. These guys think you can throw entire houses across the sky, but actually, since you're just a newbie, you probably couldn't kill an ant if you danced the flamenco._

"Hey! I managed to turn that pervert into a rabbit, didn't I?" Toushirou demanded, annoyed.

_Oh, yes, congratulations!_ Hyourinmaru replied sarcastically. _You managed to turn one two-foot-high Munchkin into a bunny _on accident. _Good luck doing anything else, or even repeating that feat._

Toushirou scowled and grumbled, "What's the point of these things, then? Might as well get rid of them, stupid heels." He then tried to pull one off. And failed. He tried again. And failed again. It was practically glued to his foot.

Toushirou rolled around on the floor trying to get it off while Hyourinmaru and Zaraki watched in amusement.

_You can't take them off, master. As a special item and a spoil of war, you're stuck with them until you're defeated or dead. _

"You can't be serious," Toushirou growled, continuing his fruitless efforts. Then he paused, curious, "Hey, Hyourinmaru, if you're from Kansas, how do you know so much about Oz?"

Hyourinmaru froze, then shook his head and said, _Oh, master! First of all, I'm a Toto! We're gifted guides and the best of dog-familiars. Second of all, haven't you ever heard of suspension of disbelief? It's rather necessary for any serious imagining. If you spend the whole time grumbling about how this place doesn't make any sense you'll never get past level one!_

"I have an imagination!" Toushirou said indignantly. "I'm just also very logical, unlike certain drunken fukutaichous and insane shopkeepers. And you're a dog-familiar? How can you be a dog-whatever when you're a _dragon?_"

"So the smallish dragon is your familiar, is it? It looks like it would be a worthy opponent," Zaraki interrupted, grinning.

Hyourinmaru, like any rational creature when faced with the prospect of facing Zaraki Kenpachi in battle, took one look at him and hid behind Toushirou.

Luckily, Hyourinmaru was saved from being slashed to pieces and mounted on a wall by the arrival of a triumphant Ayesegawa (and a few helpers) holding aloft a pair of pants.

"Mistr—I mean, _Master_, we have found you a new wardrobe!" Yumichika announced proudly, motioning the other Munchkins to spread the various items of clothing out on the hill for Toushirou to pick from.

"Oh, thank God! I'm finally getting out of this dress," Toushirou said, intensely relieved.

_I don't know master, maybe you should keep it; blue really brings out the color of your eyes! _Hyourinmaru chuckled while fluttering his eyelashes.

Toushirou gave him a quick glare before returning his attention to Ayesegawa.

"Yes, all we need to do is discuss the price," Ayesegawa said, happily smoothing out a blue-green button-down shirt, obviously trying to match Toushirou with the clothes best suited to him.

"Well, I'm filthy rich and I'll do anything to get out of this thing," Toushirou replied, smirking.

"Good, good! Now to buy items just simply touch what you want and say 'Acquire.' Your purchase will be immediately logged in my records and the price will be subtracted from your account."

"Great!" Without delay, Toushirou grabbed a pair of pants and eagerly said "Acquire."

A small note appeared on top of the pants.

_Purchase denied._

Huh?

"Denied? What do you mean by_ denied?_ I thought you said I could buy outfits if I have enough money! I'm a millionaire now, right? I ought to be able to afford a damn pair of pants!" he growled in frustration.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I don't know what went wrong with your purchase. I was sure you fit all the requirements." Ayesegawa bit his lip anxiously as his assistants backed away, keeping a terrified eye on Toushirou's feet.

"Wait, what requirements would these _be_, exactly?" Toushirou asked, suspicious.

"Hm? Well you'd have to have the proper amount of capital and have obtained Level Fifty. But of course, Your Highness must be on Level One Thousand at the very _least_ in order to levitate giant houses and kill one of the Four Great Witches of Oz."

"…"

"You _are_ above Level Fifty, aren't you?" Yumichika asked hesitantly.

"I don't know. How am I supposed to know?" said Toushirou.

Ayesegawa's mouth dropped open. "Uh…um…oh, maybe Master is so powerful that you've lost track of what level you're on?" he asked, desperate to find a logical reason other than the obvious one for why his master didn't even know what power levels _were._ Madarame, on the other hand, had less patience and just exploded with anger.

"What do you mean, how do you know! You just know! The annoying screen pops up and tells you what damn level you're on whenever you power up! Just how long have you been in Oz?" exclaimed Madarame.

_My master entered Oz approximately twenty-three minutes ago, _said Hyourinmaru.

"It can talk! Only high-level familiars can talk," said Yumichika, clearly surprised.

"More importantly, you just got here a couple of minutes ago?" exclaimed Zaraki. "How in the name of Oz did you lift that house, then? And how did a newbie like you kill the stupid bunny-stalker?"

"I didn't." Toushirou rolled his eyes. "A tornado picked up the house and it coincidentally fell on your witch."

There was an ominous silence. For a few seconds, Zaraki and company could do nothing but stare at Toushirou in disbelief, their expressions ranging from mildly impressed (Madarame) to somewhat worried (Ayesegawa) to extremely disappointed (Zaraki).

"Ya mean it was just a fluke? You ain't strong at all?" Zaraki complained.

Toushirou was about to answer when a blur of pink entered his peripheral vision and attached itself to Zaraki's head.

"Kenny! Kenny! I got the harness for Maki-Maki, and sent a lollipop to Braidy-sama so she'll come faster, and I helped Yumi pick some pants, and got the choir to come over to sing to our new mistress, 'cept apparently she's not a mistress, she's a master 'cuz she's a guy, 'cept she doesn't really look like it, but I'm not supposed to say that 'cuz she'll get mad and turn me into a bunny, but that doesn't really seem so bad 'cuz I always have more energy as a bunny anyway, and Maki-Maki can keep me company and we can always hop on over to Uki-sama's 'cuz he likes cute things and he'll give us candy, but I think he's feeling sick today, so it's better to stay a Munchkin and ride Maki-Maki instead, but the chariot doesn't really work with only one bunny, so do you think if I get the choir to sing a song for Mr. Lady-Boots, he'll like me enough to turn somebody else into a bunny? Huh? Huh? You think that'll work, Kenny? Yeah? Yeah! Let's do it!" screamed the six-inch-tall pink-haired girl, never once pausing for breath. She thumped her small fist onto Zaraki's shoulder for emphasis.

Toushirou and Hyourinmaru blinked slowly.

_What in the name of all that is good and sane is _that _creature?_ Hyourinmaru asked.

"That, my friend, is the one and only Kusajishi Yachiru," Toushirou replied dryly. Well, maybe not the one and only, but he certainly hoped she was the only one in _this_ game. Any more of her and he would quit the game, promises to Karin be damned!

"Alright, which one of you idiots fed her candy?" Madarame yelled at the crowd of Munchkins. "You know you're not supposed to do that unless Mayor Unohana says so! Now she ain't going to sleep for a whole three days!"

"Awwww! Don't be like that, Baldy! Who needs sleep, anyway? Sleep is boring, boring, boring! Well, unless you get those nice mushrooms from that one field, then you get really interestin' dreams, but otherwise it's waaaay more fun to stay awake."

Madarame tried getting a hold of her, but Yachiru only dodged him and giggled, right before she caught sight of Toushirou and gasped.

"Oh! Oh! Hiya, Mr. Lady-Boots! You fight Kenny yet? He'd have lots of fun, I bet, even if you're kinda short and weird-lookin'. Your face is really pretty and you got a nice dress and a cute doggie, but seriously, what's with the white hair? 'Cuz you look like a snowflake, you know? Kinda like Uki-sama! Hey, hey, you got any candy? I won't stop singing unless you give me candy! Or your doggie! Hey, Mr. Doggie! What's your name! You wanna be my slave? You can pull my chariot with Maki-Maki! It'll be fun!" Yachiru said, trying to entice him.

Hyourinmaru looked at her strangely before turning to Toushirou. _You know, I would have sworn a minute ago that Zaraki was the most frightening out of all of them, but I would like to change my vote now. _

"Yeah, most people have that reaction," Madarame said.

Toushirou, meanwhile, had taken offense to one particular word in her latest speech. "How in the hell am I super-extra-short, huh? I'm more than ten times your size!" he yelled.

Yachiru blinked. "Oooh! Are you angry? Are you gonna turn me into a bunny now? I make a really cute pink one, you know!"

"Just answer the damn question!"

"Oh, well, that's easy. You're super-extra-totally-über-ultra-midgety 'cuz Rukia-sama had a broomstick and could fly! So that makes her waaaay taller than you!"

"That makes no sense at all! I'm taller than Kuchiki now, damn it! Broom height doesn't count!"

"Eh? But if broom height doesn't count, then hair height shouldn't count, either, so that means you're definitely shorter than Rukia-sama!"

"I'm still taller than you!"

"But everyone's taller'n me."

Toushirou glowered at her. "Look, do you _want_ to be stomped on? Because I'm perfectly willing to oblige you, if that's the case."

"No! No! You can't stomp on me, silly! I haven't sung you your song yet! Hey! I'll sing it now, and you can try and stomp me after! Where's my back-up, huh? Back-up singers! CHOIR! Get in position! The new master wants to hear a song, ASAP!"

"No, I—" Toushirou began, but was as helpless to stop Yachiru on sugar as a dandelion was when trying to stop an avalanche. In thirty seconds, she had managed to get a ragged group of Eleventh Division members in hot pink choir robes to assemble before Toushirou and company. Ayesegawa looked excited while everyone else looked like they were about to be subjected to torture. Yachiru stood in front of it all, a pint-sized, Pepto-Bismal-colored conductor.

"And a one! And a two! And a one-two-THREE!" She waved her arms maniacally as the choir burst into off-key song:

"The Witch of the East is dead!

A house fell on her head!

Did you hear what we said?

The Witch of the East is dead!

Now we are free!

To live happy!

And fight and kill

And do what we will

As the Edible Muttons!

And do whatever we need to win!

And cheat however we need to win!

And KILL whoever we need to win!

Even if it means stabbing with a pin!"

"No, no, NO!" Yachiru screamed. "How many times do I have to tell you? Line nine is 'Eleventh Division Munchkins,' NOT 'Edible Muttons'!"

"Coulda fooled me," Madarame muttered as Hyourinmaru and Toushirou snickered.

"Okay! Once more from the top!" Yachiru said. "Come on, guys! Say it properly." She frowned as her suggestion was met with groans, before lighting up with realization. "Oh, wait, I see! You want to make the new master angry so we can join Maki-Maki! Alright, let's do it! If we annoy the new master, we can get turned into bunnies!" She smiled at them encouragingly, hoping her incentive would get them to sing even worse. It, of course, worked, but in the opposite way. They started singing at twice the volume, hoping against hope that the master would find this performance pleasing and NOT turn them into bunnies. Maki-Maki was on his own if they had anything to say about it.

"THE WITCH OF THE EAST IS DEAD!

A HOUSE FELL ON HER HEAD!

DID YOU HEAR WHAT WE SAID?

THE WITCH OF THE EAST IS **DEAD**—!"

Suddenly, snow started falling, though the sky remained clear and sunny. A calm, cold voice abruptly cut through the Munchkins' rendition, heralding the approach of a slender, petite woman with raven hair and a confident, almost cruel smile.

"Now, now, now, what do we have here?" she said.

The Munchkins started cowering.

Hyourinmaru cocked his head to the side.

Toushirou's heart stopped for a couple of beats.

"Really, did you think one measly house was enough to stop me?" she continued.

Several Munchkins fainted dead away from terror while the rest fell to their knees in prayer.

"I have the blessing of Chappy himself! Now return my beloved Chappy to me, or I will kill you all!"

And Toushirou was faced with the fearsome dilemma of averting the wrath of one Chappy-less Kuchiki Rukia, Very Wicked Witch of the East.

* * *

**Endnote: **

**CA: And that's chapter three! We hope you enjoyed it, as we had a ton of fun writing it! You can again thank PokerFace for writing a lot of it, though oddly enough, considering that he usually comes up with most of the funny bits, the majority of the Munchkin dialogue was mine. Ah, sorry for the slow pacing and general lack of plot, but we promise one will appear in the next chapter. Well, a kind of plot at least. This story is meant just to indulge our sick, sick fantasies, after all. So obviously we're not going to stick to the plot of the movie. We have much better tortures in store for the characters. Oops, did I say tortures? I meant adventures! *laughs evilly* Oh, wait, I think PokerFace wants to say something! Here, take the mic!**

**PF: …**

…

…**hi.**

**CA: That's it? At least say "thank you!"**

**PF: …why?**

**CA: 'Cuz they read our story! Don't be ungrateful!**

**PF: …fine. Thanks, nameless audience. *walks away***

**CA: Well, that was anti-climactic. *sigh* Don't take it personally, he's always like that. Ahem. Anyway, on with the thank you's.**

**We would like to thank everybody who even read this story—you are amazing for taking the time to read our twisted form of torture (we're secretly plotting on killing everyone with laughter ;)).**

**We'd **_**especially**_** like to thank the following people for alerting/reviewing/adding-this-story-to-their-favorites, because these people just make our day: VanDerAa, AVAgrl, Ziya Hitsugaya, Kiwi-kiwi-kii, Rose Zaki, Yaoi and Darkchocolat, zZemoKITTYzZ, Thunder Claw03, meggie-moo s, Sayo-chan64, SaintFirestar666, SilverDragonEyeCardSpiritWolf, Moon of Jupiter, Kanarekana, starySan, HitsuKarin-sama, bleedingxinxspace, Vampqueen27, HitsuKarin Lurver, hearing-v0ices, Ethereal Crow, MeteorLeopard, saras6, Leif the Lucky, JustaDreamerinaFairyTail, Nyxtolouloudo, SebonzaMitsuki27, Cereza2000, Spaztastic32, ReginaCaelum, Ebony Glasse, TheEscapeGoat, The Roses of Color, iLove Toko and Seddie, ichilover3, minatochan145, purpleeninjaaa, StelzaRinator, SweMiKi, Butch Wolf Renamon, karin taicho, vampire13princess, unknownkitty, emobunniesx3, amputated-heart, rokachuu, paws-bells, Hakkuchi, Eye of a Hawk, Hitsukarin and Ichiruki lover, and switmikan74. **

**(If we've forgotten you or spelled your name wrong, PLEASE TELL US! Seriously, I feel so guilty when I notice I forgot somebody or got their name wrong. T_T)**

**Note: Certain pen names, namely those with a period in the middle, have been spelled wrong so that Document Manager will not erase them. We apologize to anyone who is offended by this. We also apologize to anyone who felt we were making fun of transgendered or transsexual people in our story, as that was not our intention. We were just making fun of Toushirou. **

**Thank you for reading, and please review! :) **


	4. Most Sincerely Dead—Not

**Author's Note: Hello again, our lovely readers! Welcome to Chapter 4 of **_**Toushirou of Oz**_**. Thanks for taking the time to read our story! **

**This chapter is dedicated yet again to Rose Zaki for another epic review, and for giving us several ideas and a really hilarious line. :D For everyone else who reviewed, alerted, or added this story to their favorites, more thank you's are located at the bottom. :D**

**Normal = prose, **_**italics**_** = thoughts, inner conversations, or Toto/Hyourinmaru talking. **

**WARNING: This chapter contains Eleventh Division **_**and **_**Rukia, so be prepared for some language, lots of violence, and inhumane methods of torture. :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They belong solely to Tite Kubo. However, if there was an alternate universe where I do own Bleach, I will promptly give my left arm to switch with my other self. (P.S. We don't own **_**The Wizard of Oz**_**, either.) Additionally, no Chappy Bunnies were harmed with the writing of this chapter. :) **

* * *

**Chapter Four: Most Sincerely Dead—Not **

* * *

_Oh, bleep_, said Hyourinmaru.

Toushirou couldn't help but agree as Rukia approached slowly, almost menacingly. For someone who was recently deceased, she looked remarkably well, almost completely like her usual self. The only differences that he could see were that the Oz version of her had on a short, tattered-looking black dress with a scarlet belt and a matching crimson witch hat. In addition, a broom was strapped to her back instead of a sword strapped to her side. She had a smile on her face, but while it was polite, the aura she emitted was that of a bloodthirstiness to rival Zaraki's.

**"**My, my, my, I leave for a few hours and look at what happens! What a truly depressing scene. My well-trained little followers not only celebrate my death but they've gone and found themselves a new mistress as well. Why, if you look at this from the right perspective it would seem that you all were _glad_ that I died," she said with an icy calm.

"Hell yeah!" yelled Zaraki. He brandished his kitchen knife and charged forward, only to be stopped as Rukia pointed a finger at him, mumbled something, and turned him into an ice sculpture.

She turned to the other Munchkins and raised a single brow.

"N-no, mistress! You're wrong!" screamed the rest of the Eleventh Division Munchkins. "W-we're not glad at all! We, we, we were just trying to get your boots off of the imposter, that was all!"

_You ungrateful little traitors_, said Hyourinmaru. _Have you no sense of loyalty at all?_

"Technically, they're being loyal to our original master," Ayesegawa explained.

_Well, they ought to stop it! They belong to my master now, don't they?_ Hyourinmaru demanded. You're _not switching sides, yeah?_

"Of course not," Ayesegawa replied cheerfully. "I serve whoever wears the Red Ruby Boots."

_Good, good_, Hyourinmaru replied.

"—which is probably going to be Rukia-sama in a few seconds anyway. I'll make sure you have a lovely funeral, though, sir."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ayesegawa," Toushirou said dryly.

"You're very welcome, sir."

A few feet ahead of them, Rukia stopped batting Munchkins with her broom ("And there goes Takeshi! A perfect home run!") long enough to begin making her way to Toushirou and co.

"You! Do you have any idea who you decided to land your stupid cottage on? I am Kuchiki Rukia! Very Wicked Witch of the East, Owner of the Red Ruby Boots, and Supreme Mistress of the Munchkins! Who do you think you are, taking over _my _territory? And get those boots off! Right now! Do you have any idea how valuable they are? And where is my Chappy! Such a priceless object doesn't belong in the hands of some grubby little girl! Give Chappy-sama back, or I will turn you into a pathetic, obese bunny!"

Toushirou's mouth unwisely decided to ignore his brain ("She's got a broom and magic and she's angry like the time Ichigo found her Chappy figurines in his closet and threw them away, so don't be stupid.") and replied, "_Little_ girl? Who're you calling little, you _hypocrite_?"

Madarame and Hyourinmaru exchanged baffled looks. "Of all the things that she said, he concentrates on that?" Madarame asked, incredulous.

Hyourinmaru made a sort of chuffling sound that was his version of a sigh. _Master is sensitive about his height, or lack thereof. _

"Yeah, but you'd think he'd at least be more insulted over the fact that she didn't even notice he had a Y chromosome."

_Well, it's not like it's obvious at the moment, is it?_

"True enough," Madarame agreed as Rukia proceeded to tackle Toushirou to the ground and choke him.

"What? Are you too weak to fight back?" she taunted.

"No, I just refuse to fight hysterical women," he countered, pushing her off of him and dodging her kick.

"Stop sounding like some misogynistic male pig and hand over my Chappy, you flat-chested little thief!"

"Stop calling me little! And of course I'm flat-chested! I'm a guy! What's your excuse?"

"Why, you, I'm not flat-chested, I'm—wait, what did you just say? A guy? You can't be a guy! If you were a guy, _this _would render you completely immobile." And so saying, she subsequently kneed him in the balls.

And stared in shock as Toushirou keeled over, gasping and clutching his crotch.

"Ooooh," the Munchkins groaned in sympathy. "That gotta hurt."

"Kami-sama," Rukia said, shocked. "She is a guy!"

Madarame shrugged. "Yeah, we were traumatized, too."

Meanwhile, Toushirou was curled up in a ball on the ground, cursing Urahara with all the mental strength he possessed. _That prevaricating shopkeeper! How does this fall under minor scrapes and bruises? I'd like to see him get kicked in the balls and see how he classifies it then!_

_Master! Master!_ cried Hyourinmaru, coming over to lick him on his face. _Oh, master! You were such a kind soul! You didn't deserve to die like this._

"I'm…not…dead yet," Toushirou managed to wheeze.

_Oh. In that case, get up and stop whining! We have to get out of here before East decides to do some _real_ damage._

Toushirou was all set to make some sarcastic reply when Hyourinmaru went flying, kicked by a boot-clad foot.

"Stupid idiot!" Rukia yelled, then paused, as if expecting something. She sighed as Hyourinmaru landed a few feet away and rolled over onto his back, seemingly dead. She scuffed the toe of one boot into the dirt. "I knew it wouldn't work. I suppose it was worth a try, though."

"Hey! Leave my dragon alone!" Toushirou yelled as he pushed himself off the ground.

"What dragon? All I see is a dog. A deformed dog, but still a dog," Rukia sneered.

"Oh, not you, too. Why can't anyone see that he's a dragon?" Toushirou said in exasperation.

"I don't care! Now are you going to hand over my Chappy or not?" Rukia yelled.

"Would you stop screaming your head off? I can hear you just fine." He sighed. "Honestly, all this yelling is reminding me of Matsumoto, except usually I'm the one that's yelling and not the one doing the ignoring. And I would _love_ to hand over your precious Chappy. It's not like I want it, anyway." Really, he missed the real Rukia. She was definitely less volatile and violent, at least when it came to him. Ichigo and Renji were a different matter entirely, of course.

"How dare you! How can you possibly hand over Chappy-sama as if he's some worthless _toy_?"

He scowled. "Look, what is wrong with you? First you want me to hand him to you over instantly, and now that I'm doing it, you're complaining? Make up your mind, please."

"I don't have to explain myself to you, you cross-dressing non-entity."

"Hey! It's not my fault I'm in this dress! I'm stuck in it until I get to Level Fifty! Fifty! And I'm only—" He paused. "What level am I anyway?"

Urahara's Help voice replied "Level Twelve."

At the same time, Rukia yelled, "It won't matter, because in a few seconds I'm going to kill you, take back my Chappy, and pry my beautiful boots off of your cold, dead, body!"

"Kami-sama, just take it all!" Toushirou finally yelled in frustration. "And why the hell did the Help thing answer me?"

"Ahem. Any time you ask a question that it unanswerable by your guide or your allies, and will not give you any unfair advantage within the game, is automatically answered by Help, a.k.a. me," Help replied helpfully.

"Fine! Then answer this! How can I give Kuchiki back all her stuff?"

Rukia blinked. "You're actually giving it all back to me?"

"Yes! It's not like I meant to kill you with my house and steal from your corpse!"

"Really?" she asked.

"Really?" echoed the Munchkins. It was rather inconceivable to them why anyone would _not_ want to kill their past—current—former—present—whatever, their _ex_-mistress.

"It's not like it's doing me any good! Chappy just a decoration, the money's worthless because I can't buy anything with it since my level's so low, and all the boots can do is turn Munchkins into bunnies."

Rukia started in surprise. "You actually managed to do that?"

The Munchkins proffered a trembling Maki-Maki as proof. Rukia picked him up and shook him in front of her face before throwing him over her shoulder into a bush. "Huh. How did you figure out my password? I'm pretty sure the failsafe is still installed on the boots, even if you did manage to steal them."

"The password's either 'stupid idiot' or 'eunuch.'"

"Yes! It is! How did you—why was 'eunuch' an option?" she asked, nonplussed, changing her question in mid-breath.

"Ask Maki-Maki later," Toushirou said darkly.

"Very well. Though if it was Maki-Maki, I can guess what happened," Rukia said, eyeing his dress.

"Exactly. And why did you make 'stupid idiot' your password? Didn't that present some problems?"

"Well, yes. Renji gets turned into a bunny several times a day. It's a good thing he makes such an adorable red one! With black, zig-zaggy stripes! And pineapple-like spiky fur!" Rukia hugged herself, clearly imagining it. The Munchkins stepped back about two feet as a safety precaution as she continued. "But I figured if I made it something that I said so often, no one would be able to guess it was my password, and even if I somehow managed to lose the Red Ruby Boots," and here she glared daggers at him, "no one would be able to use them."

Toushirou sighed. "That's not my fault either. I can't help it that the majority of Eleventh Division is made up of stupid idiots."

"Hmph." Rukia crossed her arms. "Fine. I don't really care anyway. Now, are you going to hand over my belonging, or will I have to kill you for them?"

"Fine, fine." Toushirou raised his voice slightly as he spoke the next sentence. "How can I give Rukia back her things?"

As expected, Help cheerfully replied. "Such a transfer of ownership is easily achieved. Please pick up your picnic basket and request the items that you wish to bestow."

"Okay." Toushirou grabbed hold of the picnic basket, ignoring Ayesegawa's inane whispers ("Awww! He looks so innocent and adorable holding it in the crook of his arm like that!"). He looked at Rukia. "What do you want back first?"

"My beloved Chappy!"

"Of course. Wait a second, please." He cleared his throat. "I would like the…Chappy thing."

"Chappy-sama!"

"…Chappy-sama, please."

There was an odd plonking sound, and the weight of the basket suddenly increased. Significantly. When he opened it, sitting at the bottom of the basket was a solid gold Chappy figurine.

"What the…?" he said, lifting it up to the light, only to have Rukia snatch it out of his hands.

"Chappy-sama! Oh, I was so afraid that I'd lost you forever!" she said as she held it lovingly against her cheek. She was nearly in tears from the joy of it all. "In these dark, dark days, you have been my only comfort!"

_Dark, dark days? What is she going on about?_ Hyourinmaru asked, reappearing by Toushirou's side. Apparently he deemed it safe enough to stop playing dead.

"Well, you see, Renji-sama, her significant other, was recently—" Ayesegawa began to explain, before an ear-splitting screech tore through the air.

"Don't say it!" Rukia screamed. "Don't you dare say it, or I will strip this dress off and _burn_ it! Then I'll make you eat the ashes!"

"Don't! I wasn't saying anything! Did you hear me say anything?" Ayesegawa said desperately, tugging at the hem of Toushirou's dress. "I absolutely didn't say anything! Please, don't burn my masterpiece!"

"Very well," Rukia said reluctantly. "As long as you understand."

"I understand perfectly! Perfectly!"

Rukia ignored him, turning instead to look at Toushirou and arch a brow. "Well? The boots?"

Help interjected, "Ah, ah, ah~~!" Toushirou could almost imagine the wagging finger that went along with the lilting syllables. "'Acquired' weapons are to be kept by Damsels in Distress as spoils of war, so I'm afraid that that request will be quite impossible to fulfill."

"Acquired my ass! He stole them! How the hell does that make him a Damsel in Distress?" Rukia shouted.

_It's my master's sub-occupation_, Hyourinmaru replied primly.

"Oh, of course you'd have to be a bloody Damsel in Distress. I suppose you can scream for help and your allies will come running to save you?" Rukia said, her voice oozing with contempt.

Toushirou scowled. "That wasn't my fault either."

_Well, master, if you hadn't decided to be a Goody-Two Shoes_, _none of this would have happened_, Hyourinmaru stated.

Toushirou's scowl deepened.

_Just stating the facts, master. No need to be fussy._

Rukia spoke up again. "Fine. If you can't give me back my Boots," and she seriously looked like she was contemplating killing him and getting them back that way ('if only they didn't have the built-in melting mechanism for non-Thief opponents," she muttered), "then can you please return my pocket change?"

"Pocket change? One million coins is pocket change to you?" Toushirou spluttered.

Rukia rolled her eyes. "Obviously. I collect taxes from all of the Eastern section, and besides, I'm a member of the Kuchiki clan, one of the Four Cardinal Clans." She held out her hand and made a come hither motion. "Now hand over the measly coins. Nii-sama hates it if our accounts are even a few million coins off."

"O...kay." He really ought to have expected it of the Kuchikis, though. Sighing, he dug out his purse and said, "One million coins, please. And give them to Kuchiki Rukia, Wicked Witch of the East."

Rukia's eyes widened in horror. "No! Not manually, you stupid idiot—!"

She was cut short by the sudden river of golden coins that shot out of the purse and buried her in a haphazard pile.

As the Munchkins and Toushirou stared at it in shock, fireworks erupted over Toushirou's head and a screen popped up, proclaiming, "Congratulations, Dorothy! You have successfully faced the Wicked Witch of the East and mortally wounded her! You are now Level Twenty-Eight!"

_Wow. Level Twenty-Eight! Good job, master! That's sixteen levels higher!_ Hyourinmaru wagged his tail.

Toushirou would have answered if he hadn't been too busy staring at the enormous pile of gold coins that was currently serving as Rukia's grave marker.

"Dude, he just killed Mistress Rukia-sama. Again," said a random Munchkin.

"Maybe he is strong," Madarame mused.

"Oooh! So Kenny can fight him?" Yachiru said, excited.

_Not as an icicle, he can't_, said Hyourinmaru.

"Oh, don't worry! We'll just get him in front of a fire, and he'll thaw out in half an hour! Hey, guys! Move Kenny into the chariot, and one of you harness Maki-Maki." Yachiru looked at Toushirou hopefully. "If you turn Tetsu-chin," she pointed to a particularly buff-looking Munchkin, "into a bunny, we can get you to Fourth Division's Village in no time!"

"…Tetsu-chin, please come here."

The other Munchkins pushed him forward, as it seemed he was too paralyzed with dread to move. Toushirou kicked him lightly and said, "Stupid idiot." The cloud of smoke appeared, the bunny version of Tetsu-chin materialized, they harnessed him along with Maki-Maki to the chariot, and soon Yachiru was off and away, dragging the Zaraki statue behind her, the sounds of "Faster! Faster!" and a cracking whip fading into the distance.

…_that little girl is terrifying,_ Hyourinmaru said.

Everyone paused for a moment to digest that, then one of the other Munchkins inquired, "So…does this mean the party is back on?"

A hand abruptly shot out of the pile of gold, resembling a zombie's.

"I-I-I mean, is the party celebrating Rukia-sama's victory back on?" the Munchkin hastily clarified.

Rukia's head soon followed her arm, and she gasped for breath before shooting death glares at the gathered crowd. "You! Don't…just…stand there! Deformed dog! Dig…me out…! Now!"

_Um, I politely decline_, Hyourinmaru said, shrinking against Toushirou's leg. _I make it a point to avoid psychotic, dying women._

Toushirou ignored his comments, rushing forward to try and help Rukia. "You're still alive? Sorry, I'd have dug you out earlier if I'd known. I apologize for the coin incident, I didn't know it would shoot out like that—"

He had to stop midsentence because Rukia started choking him, tightening her fist on his stupid Peter Pan collar until it was like a noose.

"It's…too…late for apologies! I'm…out of time! Take…the Chappy!"

"…what?" He was still trying to pry her hand off his blouse.

"_Take the Chappy!"_

"…didn't we just spend the last thirty minutes trying to give it back to you?"

"Don't…argue…with me! Just…take it before…I die! You lose…all unnecessary …decorations…when you die, and by some sort of sacrilege, Chappy-sama…falls into that category!"

"But I don't want it."

"You…ungrateful…Philistine! Take the bunny…before I rip out your…intestines and serve them to the Tinmen!" She thrust her left hand out of the pile, causing a minor avalanche of golden coins, which parted to reveal the gleaming bunny figurine. Toushirou took careful hold of it, stepping back as Rukia immediately fell forward into the golden coins.

"You have acquired one Chappy Bunny doll," Help cheerfully informed him.

"And what am I supposed to do with it?"

We could always melt it down and use the gold, Hyourinmaru suggested.

"Don't you _dare!_" Rukia instantly lifted herself up in response and scowled.

Hyourinmaru stepped back. _Jeez, that woman is just like the Energizer Bunny. She just keeps going and going and going…_

"Shut up! I gave you…Chappy-sama so I could get him back…after I recover and _kill_ _you_. If you need gold…just reclaim the coins…you used to murder me. It'll disappear…anyway…when I die."

_Master! The coins!_ Hyourinmaru waved his tail frantically. _Get the coins!_

"I'm on it. He put a hand on the pile and said, "I'm taking these back—"

"Are you _suicidal?_ Do…you want…to die by…a shower of gold…as well…? Say 'transfer…to my account'! Electronically! Like…normal…people!"

"Okay. Thanks. Eh, transfer to my account," he muttered instead. The coins disappeared with a quick flash of light, leaving Rukia behind on the ground.

"You have acquired nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine gold coins!" Help said.

"What happened to the one coin?" Toushirou asked.

"I would ask your dog."

Hyourinmaru guiltily stepped forward and spat out a single gold coin. _What? It rolled off the pile when the psychotic woman stuck her hand out. I couldn't just _leave_ it there._

"As…expected…of the deformity." Rukia, despite gasping out that last sentence, still managed to convey a sense of scorn.

_Would you just roll over and die already? Have you no sense of timing?_

"I will…as soon as I say…this: don't you dare die…until…I come back. I'll…get you…! And your little dog, too!" And with that, she turned into a cloud of mist and gently dissipated.

_Finally._ Hyourinmaru looked at Toushirou's disapproving expression. _What? You know you were thinking it, too!_

The Munchkins erupted into cheers. "She's dead! She's dead! She's really, most sincerely DEAD!"

"Let's get the party started!"

"Yeah! Light the bonfires!"

"Bring out the booze!"

"YEEAAAAHHHHH!"

Toushirou shook his head. Sometimes Eleventh Division really was very predictable.

He felt a slight nudge against his foot. Hyourinmaru looked up expectantly.

"What?"

_Madarame-san and Ayesegawa-san have offered to lead us to Fourth Division's Village, where we can hopefully get some assistance and information. I hear that its Mayor, Unohana Retsu, is on very good terms with the Good Witch of the North, who might be able to help us figure out how to use those Boots of yours._

"Hn. Sounds like a plan. So how far is this village?"

**…**

**…**

**…**

It turned out that Fourth Division's Village was on the other side of the forest entirely—which meant that they had a good three-hour hike ahead of them, which took considerably longer than expected due to several reasons.

Reason number one was that Hyourinmaru and Madarame got hungry, so they had to take a quick detour and hunt a few woodland animals: deer, squirrels, birds, and non-Munchkin bunnies were all fair game ("They're white, ya see? An' if ya sing to 'em, they stop so you can skewer 'em."). Oddly enough, most of their food came running _towards _them, and after Madarame and Ayesegawa killed them, they instantly turned into ready-made meals. ("Isn't this a bit too easy? Don't we have to skin the carcasses?" "What? What's skinning a carcass? Ya mean when ya strip the plastic off the package?" "…never mind.")

Reason number two was the constant rest stops that Toushirou required. Thirty minutes from their intended destination, Hyourinmaru was rolling his eyes in exasperation at yet another mandatory break.

_Look, master, could you pick up the pace a little? Or at least stop taking so many rest stops. Are you aware that we've had to wait for you for a grand total of _nine_ times along the way? You turned a three-hour hike into a five-and-a-half-hour expedition._

Toushirou glared from his seat on a log. "Oh, I'm _so_ sorry I'm slowing us down," he said sarcastically. "Why don't _you_ try hiking through the woods in high heels?" he said, sticking out a Boot-clad foot. "Let's see how you like it then, Hyourinmaru!"

Hyourinmaru sniffed audibly. _Well, there's no need to be snippy. And besides, my name is Toto. Ungrateful master._ He padded off into the bushes to sulk.

Toushirou continued to grumble. "And I swear, if this dress gets caught on one more branch, I'm going to strip it off and walk there in my boxers!"

"With those Boots? You'd look like a male hooker, master," Madarame said.

Toushirou could swear he heard chuckling coming in the direction of the bushes.

Ayesegawa tried placating him. "Don't worry, master, the dress is made from indestructible fabric." He stoked the hem lovingly. "Any tears or rips you get in it will instantly repair themselves! So you don't have to go around naked to protect it. Besides, it's only a few more minutes' walk. And just past those trees, the woods end and a nice, level, flowerpot-lined path to Fourth Division's Village begins. Why, you could even skip along it and sing!"

"_No."_

"Oh, well, if you're certain." Ayesegawa looked disappointed.

"Trust me, I'm certain." Toushirou heaved himself to his feet. "Let's get going."

**…**

**…**

**…**

In contrast to Eleventh Division Village's disorderly sprawl of houses and makeshift huts, Fourth Division's Village was meticulously planned out, complete with 90 degree angle street corners, lampposts, paved roads, unique but harmonious houses with well-kept yards, and helpful signs and maps indicating what or where everything was.

(It _really _reminded Toushirou of the hospital back in Soul Society.)

Not that Toushirou needed the maps; due to his height, or rather, the Village's lack of it, all he had to do was rise on his tiptoes a little and he could see clear to the other side of the Village.

"They seem almost like dollhouses somehow," he muttered. "It's a little creepy."

"Tell me about it," Madarame echoed. "It's too—I dunno, clean? An' there ain't enough room to fight anywhere 'cept in the little square that's right in front 'a Mayor Unohana's house. An' not even Zaraki-taichou's crazy enough to do _that_."

Toushirou nodded. He could see that. He'd never seen Unohana-taichou lose her temper (and he hoped he never did) but he'd seen her be so chillingly polite that he could feel even Hyourinmaru (the real one, not the chibi-fied one) shiver from the icy blast of her displeasure. With some trepidation, he asked "Which one is her house?"

"It's the big, Japanese-style mansion over there. It doubles as an extra hospital when Eleventh Division goes crazy. Well, crazi_er_. Ah, watch your step, Iemura-san hates it when anyone steps on his petunias."

Toushirou obligingly readjusted his course as they made their way to Unohana's house. She greeted them at the door, somehow managing to seem as if she were looking benevolently down on them, even though she was technically looking up at everyone but Hyourinmaru.

"Why, hello. You must be Dorothy-chan. Please, sit down. We'll get some tea out to you shortly," she said in a soft, welcoming voice.

She clapped her hands, and several Fourth Division Munchkins immediately started bustling about while somehow managing to make themselves look like they were part of the background. Unohana motioned to a nearby bump on the ground that was labeled "Healer's Hill."

"Make yourselves comfortable," she said. "We need to talk."

* * *

**Endnote: And there you have it, folks! Chapter Four of _Toushirou of Oz_! Not as long or as funny as the last one, but we still felt there was lots of humor and action. And wait 'til you see Chapter Five! If you haven't fallen off of your chair laughing by now, you definitely need to get yourself a cushion to use for a soft landing, because we GUARANTEE you'll do it next time. (I mean,**_** we**_** fell off laughing, and we wrote it…) ;)**

**Thanks to everyone who added us to their alerts or their favorites. We're actually going to be doing our little thank you paragraph differently from now on, and just naming and specifically thanking the people who reviewed the last chapter(s 2 **_**and**_** 3 in this case, because we haven't thanked you all yet via PM…don't worry, we'll get on that…hopefully…please forgive us! They were wonderful reviews! We're just lazy authors!), because there are just too many of you who're alerting this story. And it just takes so very long to get you all down, and then I always miss somebody and feel EXTREMEMLY GUILTY…so we're just settling for thanking all of you in general. So thank you if you added this story to your alerts or your favorites! We appreciate it!**

**Special thanks goes to the following people for reviewing the last chapter(s): Rose Zaki, bleedingxinxspace, sayo-chan64, Cereza2000, Spaztastic32, ReginaCaelum, Leif the Lucky, Ebony Glasse, TheEscapeGoat, The Roses of Color, SebonzaMitsuki27, iLove Toko and Seddie, unknownkyitty, Bleached-Whale, rokachuu, Hakkuchi, switmikan74, BaS23, ****AnimeSticker154****, Moon of Jupiter, and StelzaRinator. You guys make our day, and your reviews are plain hilarious! :D **

**(If we've forgotten you or spelled your name wrong, PLEASE TELL US! Seriously, I feel so guilty when I notice I forgot somebody or got their name wrong. T_T)**

**Note: Certain pen names, namely those with a period in the middle, have been spelled wrong so that Document Manager will not erase them. We apologize to anyone who is offended by this.**

**Thank you to everyone for reading, and please review on your way out! :) **


	5. A Hero Thou Art

**Author's Note: Hello again, our lovely readers! Welcome to Chapter Five of **_**Toushirou of Oz**_**. Thanks for taking the time to read our story! **

**Normal = prose, **_**italics**_** = thoughts, inner conversations, or Toto/Hyourinmaru talking. **

**WARNING: This chapter contains Eleventh Division **_**and **_**Rukia, so be prepared for some language, lots of violence, and inhumane methods of torture. :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They belong solely to Tite Kubo. However, if there was an alternate universe where I do own Bleach, I will promptly give my left arm to switch with my other self. (P.S. We don't own **_**The Wizard of Oz**_**, either.) Additionally, no Chappy Bunnies were harmed with the writing of this chapter. :)**

* * *

**Chapter Five: A Hero Thou Art**

* * *

Toushirou gingerly sat down on the hill and arranged his skirts (an action that was almost starting to seem _normal_ now, damn it) as Unohana shooed away Madarame and Ayesegawa ("Please attend to Kenpachi—his head and torso are now unthawed, and my assistants are too frightened to defrost the rest of him while I am here.") and solemnly set up a tea ceremony. As she went through the beginning motions of the complicated ritual, Toushirou sincerely hoped this wasn't a formal ceremony—otherwise he'd have to sit through an hour or so of small talk about the quality of the tea and might never get any answers to his questions at all. At his feet, Hyourinmaru's tail wagged in an anxious manner, and Toushirou guessed he was having similar thoughts—of course, his dragon _was _eyeing the sweets plate, so maybe not.

Unohana finished and said, "Please have some sweets." After he took a tiny cupcake and swallowed it whole, she then said, "I would like to serve you a cup of tea," and proffered a thimble-like cup. Internally, Toushirou groaned, but took the cup and gave the scripted reply: "Thank you for making me this tea."

At this, Unohana smiled. "Good. You have excellent manners, but if you would like, I wish to forgo the rest of the ceremony. We really do have several imperative matters to discuss, and things like tea ceremonies, while no doubt important, will have to wait until after you defeat our foes and prevail in your quest."

Toushirou breathed a sigh of relief, and nodded to show his acquiescence. "That would be great, Mayor Unohana…but what's this about a quest?"

Unohana stared at him gravely. "You are the wearer of the Red Boots of Destruction, the one foretold to aid us in our hour of need and vanquish the Wicked Witch of the West, freeing all of Oz from her tyranny. You are our Hero."

Toushirou stared blankly. "There's a _prophecy_ about me?" Urahara's video game certainly was comprehensive, to say the least, and had a lot of Karin's favorite features: magic items, violent characters, a hero with a plot…he had to say, he was mildly impressed.

Hyourinmaru's reaction was a bit more extreme: he choked on his muffin. _Say what? Are you talking about my master here? The cross-dressing incompetent? Lady, I think you need to get a new prophecy, because my master is _not _equipped to do any vanquishing, and he is _definitely_ not a Hero with a capital H. I mean, we just got here! We're more like heroes-in-training._

Toushirou would have argued with several of his pet's points—he most assuredly _was_ a Hero (helped to defeat Aizen, remember?) and he certainly wasn't incompetent—but Unohana was already shaking her head.

"Oh, no, Toto-san. I am afraid you are mistaken. Ready or not, your master is the foretold one—he has already killed one witch, has he not? The almost-wicked witch, Rukia. Her behavior has always been a little gray, especially in regards to the Eleventh Village, but lately she's become markedly…darker. However, I hear that you killed her right before she was about to transform all of the Eleventh Division into bunnies to use in some sacrificial ritual. And in doing so, upon her resurrection she has been restored to the Light, and the first prophecy is fulfilled: 'The house shall fall, and with it, the East, and the Light will rise again. The Hero has come, and her very steps will rain destruction, and justice will follow in her wake.'"

"One problem," Toushirou said. "I'm a he."

Unohana waved a tiny, graceful hand. "A minor detail. Obviously, the prophecy refers to you." She knelt before him, somehow still managing to look like she was in charge. "My Hero…will you accept your destiny? Will you take up this quest and save us? The choice is yours." She lifted her hands towards him, palms up in supplication.

_Say no, Master!_ said Hyourinmaru in a stage whisper.

"Yes," Toushirou said. Unohana was giving him the Benevolent Smile. Arguing with her in that state was never a smart move. "I will."

"Thank you, my Hero," she said, still with that quiet emphasis on the last word. "I knew you would not fail us. Come. We must ready you for your journey."

**…**

**…**

**…**

Unohana led him through the ordered village, still talking in that soft, calm, "I'm-in-charge-and-don't-you-just-know-it" voice of hers.

"I'm sure you still have more questions—"

_Yes, actually_, Hyourinmaru grumbled. _Like, why couldn't we take the food with us?_

"Actually, I want to hear more about those prophecies you mentioned. I only fulfilled the first one, correct?" Toushirou asked, gingerly stepping around some orderly gardens.

Unohana hummed approvingly. "Yes. Unfortunately, it is not my place to give you further information—"

Hyourinmaru rolled his eyes. So what exactly is the point of asking us if we have questions if you don't answer them?

"—though I can direct you to someone does have the answers you seek, as well as render you all the aid at my disposal. And for your information, Toto-san, I merely made an observation and did not, in fact, ask you if you had any queries. Ah, here we are." She stopped before a building that was twice his height and made of smooth, white stone. "Welcome to our hospital. Please wait here." Unohana walked inside without a backward glance.

_She sure is kinda pushy, isn't she? _Hyourinmaru commented.

"You have no idea."

_Hrmph. Anyway, Master, what the hell where you thinking? Saying yes to a quest before we even know what we're up against and what we'll get for our troubles? Not smart, Master, not smart at all. And prophecies! Ugh!_ The dragon shuddered._ That's the number one way to get yourself shish-kabobed_.

"Duly noted, Hyourinmaru," Toushirou muttered wryly. "But seriously, what else do you expect me to do? I'm a Hero, remember? And in Karin's games, the Hero always has to fight some insanely evil and insanely strong villain in order to save the day, and usually there's some sort of prophecy he's destined to fulfill, and some task he has to accomplish in order to get a magic sword or something that'll help him, and then he goes off and saves the realm and gets the girl. Piece of cake."

_HRMPH. Yeah, well, you've already got the magic item_—Hyourinmaru stared pointedly at his boots—_so I don't get why we have to stick around and save the world when we could be off fulfilling minor missions and getting cash that way. Don't see why you have to go through all this trouble and talk to all these different people._

"It's a video game thing, alright? In Zelda, we had to talk to five identical old men before we even got close to figuring out anything useful. Be grateful that we've only had to go through Zaraki, Unohana, and this random other person. And come on, this is supposed to be fun! Slaying the Wicked Witch of the West looks to be the best battle in the whole game, and if I have to endure a dress and high heels, I deserve to be able to kill somebody to make up for it."

"Perfect reasoning!" Help suddenly interjected. "And need I remind you, Toto-san, you're supposed to be a helpful guide and lead your Master down the right path, not encourage him to chase after petty material rewards."

Hyourinmaru snorted. _Help, my friend, you have not lived if you don't understand that material rewards are anything but petty. Ooooh, the dog treats I could buy with enough gold!_

Toushirou would have answered him, except Unohana chose that moment to reappear, Madarame and Ayesegawa trailing behind her, grunting under the weight of a large (for Munchkins) box.

"Hello, my Hero. I bring you your assistants, as well as an item that is sure to garner you aid from the Good Witch of the North." Unohana bowed gracefully.

Toushirou did the same, picking up the box and placing it in his magic picnic basket/dog carrier. "Thank you. May I ask what's in it?"

Madarame and Ayesegawa paled behind her. Unohana just shook her head. "For your own peace of mind, you may not. An additional word of warning: if you do open the box and use its contents, nightmares will haunt you for the rest of your life. It is something only the Good Witch of the North can handle."

Okey-dokey. From the looks on his "assistants'" faces, it was probably a weapon of mass destruction, and considering the fact that they served under a Munchkin Zaraki Kenpachi, it had to be extremely scary. Hopefully, the mysterious, so-called "Good Witch of the North" wanted it so she could lock it away and keep it safe from the hands of homicidal Munchkins, and not because she might "go gray," as Unohana had said.

Toushirou held the basket a little closer to him, just in case.

Unohana continued talking. "Now, to get to the Good Witch's house is fairly easy. All you have to do is follow the yellow brick road."

"Follow the yellow brick road?"

"Follow the yellow brick road," said Unohana.

"Alright, sure, so where—"

"Follow the yellow brick road," chorused the rest of the Fourth Division Munchkins, who'd popped out of nowhere. _Literally_ chorused, with accompanying music.

"Oh, no. This is why I freakin' hate Fourth Village," Madarame grumbled, as his feet started moving, apparently without his permission.

"Yes, the singing compulsion is rather strong here, isn't it?" Ayesegawa agreed before bursting out into song.

They and the other Munchkins sang and danced their way over to the far side of the village, where indeed there was a road made out of yellow brick leading into the forest.

"Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road, may the Good Witch not turn you into a toad!" the Fourth Division Munchkins sang as they cheerfully waved Toushirou and his group goodbye.

_Toads? That sounds ominous_, Hyourinmaru remarked.

"Hey, there aren't a lot of things that rhyme with 'road' that would make sense in context, alright?" muttered Madarame. "We do our best."

"Of course we do, of course," Ayesegawa said, placating him. "Now, isn't it nice to be back on the yellow brick road again? So much easier on the feet, especially if you're in heels." He smiled encouragingly at Toushirou, who shrugged.

"I have to admit, it is better than normal dirt and cobblestones. Are the bricks made out of gold?"

"Heavens, no! Gold would be far too expensive, and everyone would steal it!"

"Oh?"

"Indeed! These yellow bricks are made of the finest refined, solidified dragon's piss!"

"Uh-huh, dragon's—wait, what?" Toushirou spluttered.

"Dragon's piss! Flame retardant, practically impervious, easy to mold, wonderfully abundant—dragon's piss is the finest building block of Oz!"

Hyourinmaru glanced down at his feet. _Master, if it wouldn't trouble you too much, may I ride in the basket?_

Toushirou glared at him. "No. If I have to walk on it, you have to walk on it."

_Oh, be that way. It's not as if I would even weigh anything if you put me into storage._

"Really? I can store you?" Toushirou looked speculatively at his dragon/dog.

_Well, you don't have to sound so eager about it!_

"How else am I supposed to sound?"

_Hmph!_ Hyourinmaru angrily trotted away, tail held high in disdain.

Toushirou sighed. "I guess that settles that." He glanced at Madarame. "So…how long until we reach the Witch's house?"

"Not long at all. We can even sing if you want, make it go faster."

"Huh?"

Ayesegawa smiled. "We're Munchkins. If we sing, distance is decreased by the square root of the speed we sing at multiplied by the number of singers."

Toushirou raised a brow. "Really."

Madarame scowled. "Look, we're only around two feet high, yet we're useful enough to have one of the Four Witches use us as servants, and we've survived to thrive and stay alive and all that rhyming nonsense. We have to be good at _something_, don't you think?"

"I figured it was because you'd topple larger opponents by tripping them, then use superior numbers to stab them to death."

"Okay, well, there's that, too. But all I'm saying is, don't underestimate us, alright?"

"…I just said that I expected you kill opponents using extremely violent means. How is that underestimating you?"

"You implied that we were short! And that we only attack if we have the numerical advantage! " Madarame yelled.

"…"

"Oh, look, Ikkaku-san, isn't that a deer over there? Doesn't it look tasty?" Ayesegawa cut in a tad desperately.

"Whoa, you're right! Lemme go see if I can kill it!"

"Sorry about that, Master, Ikkaku can be a bit sensitive about certain things." Ayesegawa rolled his eyes, then smiled brightly. "Anyway, we'll definitely reach the Good Witch's home in no time at all! I've been humming under my breath, and see! We've already reached the grassy meadows. Her house should be just past that turn."

"It's kind of secluded, isn't it?"

"Ah, well, it is kind of…distinctive."

"Distinctive?"

"Yes. It's…how do you say…special. Very special. So special that, well, it's really better off for everyone involved if she doesn't have any neighbors. That kind of house. You can't miss it, though. It's very obvious that a witch lives there."

"I…understand." Ayesegawa's reticence coupled with his description brought to mind Shiba Kukaku's infamous domiciles, and Toushirou winced. He should have expected Urahara to cast one of Yoruichi-san's closest friends in the role of a helpful witch. "So, this witch is…unique?"

Ayesegawa nodded. "Yes, yes, you could most definitely say that."

"So…what's she like?"

"Well, she's a witch, of course, but even more than that she's a Witch! With a capital 'W'! One of the Four Great Witches in Oz! Which makes her very powerful indeed."

"Mm-hm. Go on."

"And she's very good."

"Ye-es."

"And she lives in the woods!"

"I see."

"And she has beautiful clothing!" Ayesegawa's eyes sparkled as he launched into a detailed description of said clothes.

Toushirou nodded while absentmindedly tuning him out. It seemed that he'd have to form concrete impressions of the gorgeously-clad Good Witch of the North by himself.

**…**

**…**

**…**

"We're here!"

Ayesegawa gestured proudly towards the clearing where the Witch's house was situated.

Toushirou could only stare.

It was a house made of what appeared to be gingerbread. And candy. And chocolate. And icing. And every conceivable sweet thing out there.

There was a fence made out of licorice, cotton candy trees, flowers made out of different-colored icing, a life-sized chocolate fondue fountain, garden flamingoes made out of bubblegum, grass constructed out of green Skittles, a bird bath carved out of popsicles, chairs with cupcakes for cushions, benches made of toffee, stepping stones constructed by alternating slabs of caramel and mint candy, even bushes of…ice cream? And that was just the front yard.

The house itself had windows of clear spun sugar, window panes of peanut brittle, walls made of gingerbread with various hard candies embedded in them as decoration, and a door made of dark chocolate with what appeared to be a rounded lollipop as the knob. Roof tiles consisted of pancakes, waffles, and doughnuts held in place by…was that ketchup?

Ketchup? Really? The only person he knew who considered ketchup dessert was…

The dark chocolate door swung open to reveal a radiantly smiling Inoue Orihime.

"Hi, Dorothy-chan! I'm Orihime, the Good Witch of the North! Welcome to my humble abode! And…oh. Could please tell your cute doggie not to mark territory on the rosebushes? We'll be eating that for dessert."

* * *

**Endnote: And that's it. Thank you for reading. Sorry this chapter isn't as funny as we promised it would be, however—the funniest chapter yet is actually going to be the next one. It was originally going to be this one, but the chapter was getting so long that we just had to saw it in half like some mad scientists. So, yeah. Again, thanks for reading!**

**To all of you who have forlornly given up on the hope of us ever updating, we are extremely sorry and extremely grateful if you're reading this anyway. Real life kinda…took over. Good stuff happened, bad stuff happened, but we finally made it back to the world of fanfic authorhood. Don't know how long we'll be staying, but we're grateful anyway to all of you, especially those who who've been here from the beginning. Thank you also to those of you who wandered over while we were absent, and those who are just discovering us now. We're glad you've read our work and we hope you have enjoyed/are enjoying/will enjoy it. :)**

**Thank you to everyone who's reviewed/alerted/favorited this story and/or us. :D**

**Special thanks goes to the following people for reviewing the last chapter: Bleached-Whale, StelzaRinator, Bareerah123, MisplacedWit, vampire13princess, Ruon jian, Theawesomeness101, & Rianan D' Halmsu. You guys make our day! :D (If we have forgotten you or spelled your name wrong, please tell us and we will correct the error immediately.)**

**Thank you so much, and please tell us what you think!**

.


	6. North, South, East, and the Other One

**Author's Note: Hello again, our lovely readers! Welcome to Chapter Six of **_**Toushirou of Oz**_**. Thanks for taking the time to read our story! **

**Normal = prose, **_**italics**_** = thoughts, inner conversations, or Toto/Hyourinmaru talking. **

**WARNING: This chapter contains some language and threats of intense violence, though no people were actually harmed. ;)**

**Note: Baboons and capuchins are monkeys. The rest are apes. Trust me, why we are giving you this information will become clear in the next few minutes. ;)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They belong to Tite Kubo. However, if there was an alternate universe where I do own Bleach, I will promptly give my left arm to switch with my other self. (P.S. We don't own **_**The Wizard of Oz**_**, either.) :)**

* * *

**Chapter Six: North, South, East, and…The Other One**

* * *

Toushirou, Hyourinmaru, Madarame, and Ayesegawa sat quietly as Orihime bustled around the kitchen, preparing something from them to eat. As mysterious ingredients were dumped into the pot, their collective expression gradually grew more and more horrified.

Orihime, of course, was oblivious to this and simply kept on talking.

"Neh, Dorothy-chan—"

"I prefer Hitsugaya, actually," he interrupted, watching as a cupful of chopped leek was swiftly followed by tablespoons of melted caramel. Oh, Kami help them all.

"Ah! Of course Hitsugaya-chan!"

"I'm a boy. 'Hitsugaya-kun' would be best."

Orihime paused while stirring her concoction, raising an incredulous brow at him. "Oh, I see! I'm sorry about that." She smiled beatifically at him. "You make a beautiful young girl, is all."

Hyourinmaru snickered as Toushirou scowled.

"You can call me North. That's what most people use anyway, though if you would like to use Orihime-chan, that's fine, too! After all, you're our illustrious, brave, wonderful, amazing, and beautiful heroine!" She tapped the spoon against her chin. "Or hero. That's great, too."

"Thank you," Toushirou replied. There was something disturbing about Orihime's calm acceptance in contrast to everyone's amused disbelief.

A timer went off. "Ah! That'll be the pudding," Orihime—North—said cheerfully.

Madarame and Ayesegawa both sprang up. "No! Wait!" Ayesegawa cried out.

Orihime stopped. "Yes? Do you need anything, Munchkin-san?"

"No, no, no, it is you who needs something!" Ayesegawa said. Madarame nodded vigorously. "Or, rather, we who need to give you something as your most honored and reverent and absolutely _not_ starving supplicants!"

"Eh? Are you certain? The pudding's home-made," Orihime said.

"Yes!" Madarame and Ayesegawa shouted desperately. They looked expectantly at Toushirou.

_Well, Master?_ Hyourinmaru said. _Aren't you going to hand over the box from Unohana?_

Toushirou blinked. "Oh, yeah. Help?"

Help's voice popped into existence. "Yes, Dorothy-chan? You called for me?"

"Uh, could you give us the box please?" Toushirou said.

"Of course, Dorothy-chan!"

The box, with its many locks, promptly appeared out of thin air, dropping solidly onto the gingerbread dining table.

"Oh!" Orihime said, obviously delighted. "It's a gift from Unohana-san! I wonder what she sent us this time."

"Brace yourself, Master," hissed Madarame as Orihime stepped forward and pulled a single flower pin from her hair, inserting into the largest lock and turning it. The lock opened with a solid _click_, swiftly followed by all the others, and the forbidding chains abruptly fell off of it and disappeared.

"Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no," Ayesegawa muttered, covering his eyes and cowering behind Toushirou's skirts.

_What are they going on about?_ Hyourinmaru asked.

"You don't want to know," Toushirou, remembering Matsumoto and Orihime's unconventional cooking parties, if they could be called that. H always saw them more as "torture-endurance lessons" himself.

"Kyaaaaa!" Orihime exclaimed upon opening the box, clapping her hands in glee. "I don't believe it!" She lifted the monstrous concoction into the air. "Look! Look! It's red bean paste mixed with purple yam-flavored ice cream in a butter croissant bacon and cheese sandwich! Unohana-san's even added red hot chili peppers steeped in dark chocolate and sour cream as a side dish! Oh, and leeks covered in peanut butter and ketchup as dessert!"

_Oh. My. Kami-sama. She wasn't kidding when she said it was something out of our deepest nightmares._ Hyourinmaru looked like he was on the verge of throwing up, and Madarame and Ayesegawa both looked more than a little green. Toushirou figured his appearance wasn't any better.

"Yes, indeed," Help said, pleased. "Unohana-san prepared this meal specifically for you, so that you may help Dorothy-chan here!"

Orihime squealed and hugged Toushirou to her, squishing his face against her ample bosom. "Hitsugaya-kun! You shouldn't have! I would have helped you anyway! But thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Geez, North, what the hell are you going on about now?" a disgruntled voice said from down the hallway. Its owner soon followed into their collective line of sight, rolling along on a sleekly designed wheelchair, her left leg and right arm bound in a cast. "You know you're not even supposed to—you!"

_You!_ Hyourinmaru said simultaneously, his voice incredulous as he stared at the apparently once-again-no-longer-deceased Witch of the East.

"Eh? You know East-chan?" Orihime asked, looking from one shocked party to the other.

"Oh, you could say I know them," Rukia said, smiling maliciously. "Now hand over my Chappy Bunny as I tear you into bite-sized morsels, you horrid freak of nature! And the boots, too!"

_Never!_ Hyourinmaru said.

"Oh, dear," Orihime said. "Now if everyone could please calm down…"

"No! The time for platitudes is over! I declare war!" Rukia said, pounding her cast on her armrest.

"East-chan, no! You're already so gray!" Orihime said.

"And I'm about to go black! West had the right idea all along!"

"Hey," Toushirou interjected. "If you do that, I'm going to have to kill you again. It's my job as a hero. So please don't do that. Just tell me how to defeat the Witch of the West, and I'll happily be on my way, do the deed, and then hand over the boots, alright?"

Orihime looked at him, shocked. "Oh, no! _You_ killed East-chan?"

He scowled. "It was an accident."

"Liar!"

_Oh, shut up. It's not our fault our house landed on you._ Hyourinmaru sniffed disdainfully.

"And what about the gold?!"

"That was an accident, too," Toushirou muttered.

"Liar! Liar! Liar! Thief and murderer!" Rukia screamed, wheeling herself forward.

Hyourinmaru ran to meet her, barking.

"How entertaining," Help interjected.

"Go, go! Tear her throat out! Yeah!" Madarame contributed.

"Kami-sama," Toushirou muttered. The things he got himself into. He lifted his skirts slightly, prepared to try and use the boots to…do something.

Before he could do so, another person interrupted. "What is going _on_? East, I told you to stay in your room and rest! And North, you know you can't cook for her! And where on earth—oh! We have guests!" Yuzu entered the room, clad in beautiful robes to match Orihime's and wielding a…frying pan?

"They're not guests!" Rukia shrieked, successfully running over Hyourinmaru's tail. In retaliation, he bit her on the ankle not in a cast. "Ow! You nasty little doggie!"

Yuzu got a familiar look on her face, one Toushirou remembered from years of her aiming it at Isshin and Ichigo. She lifted the frying pan high above her head and shouted, "Frying Pan of Justice!"

And she promptly smacked both Rukia and Hyourinmaru over the head, knocking them out for the count.

"Oh, dear," Ayesegawa said forlornly. "And things were going so well before this."

**…**

**…**

**…**

Twenty minutes later, they were all seated in the living room, Yuzu-made hot chocolates in hand and opposing sides neatly separated by a candy-cane coffee table.

"I can't believe you're the Hero," Rukia muttered. "You're the one who's supposed to save us all? You're not even female!"

Toushirou scowled. Hey, it wasn't as if he'd willingly signed up for the cross-dressing feature. This was all Karin's fault, anyway.

"Ah…you know…maybe the prophecy was mistranslated," Orihime said. "Nobody says the Hero can't be a boy."

"I say it!" Rukia shouted.

"Well, since Byakuya-san had to bail you out and pay to revive you in such a short amount of time, your word doesn't actually mean anything right now, East," Yuzu said apologetically. "Dying twice so closely together really lowered your level. I don't think you can even perform any of your duties as a Witch right now. You have to wait until you're better."

"It's all because of him!" Rukia screamed.

"Calm down, East," Yuzu said in a placating tone.

"Forget calm, South!" Rukia yelled. "West has gone to the black and she has to be stopped, no matter what! Do you not remember what happened to Renji and Jinta and the others! Think of Ishida! Chad! Even Ichigo, for Kami's sake!"

"We are thinking about them, East," Orihime said. "That's why we have to do our very, very best to help Hitsugaya-kun here." She smiled at him.

"Because he is Dorothy-chan, and Dorothy-chan is the Hero," Yuzu said firmly.

"About that," Toushirou said. Finally they were getting somewhere… "What does being a Hero entail, exactly?"

Orihime and Yuzu stared him gravely, while Rukia looked like she would like nothing better than to fry his liver on a stick and follow it up with his kidneys.

"It means you are our only hope," Orihime said.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that from Unohana. She also said something about prophecies?"

"Yes," Yuzu said. "The first prophecy obviously predicted that you would save East—"

"Save me? He killed me!"

"—save East from her descent into the darkness, which you have done," Yuzu finished.

Orihime nodded. "And then the second prophecy says: 'The golden road shall be walked, and the companions gathered: one of metal, one of straw, one of flesh, and the Hero shall bind them to her—'"

"See! See! It's supposed to be a she!" Rukia said.

"But an exception can be made just this once!" Yuzu said, desperate.

"Why? Let's just kill her and make her hand over the boots to me!" Rukia shouted.

"Do you want to end up like West?" Yuzu shouted back, edging from desperation to exasperation. "Do you want to go to the black?"

"If it means I can wring her scrawny little neck, yes!" Rukia said, trying to stand, a wild look in her eyes.

"But West is our sister!" Orihime yelled, trying to push Rukia back into her wheelchair.

"West is a villain!" Rukia screamed.

Toushirou perked up. A villain? Oh, he had a bad feeling about this…

"West's name…it wouldn't be Karin, would it?" he asked.

The three Witches all paused and stared at him intently.

"…you know her," Rukia said, an ominous look in her eye.

Toushirou held up his hands. "I know she's supposed to be a villain!"

"Supposed to be? Ha! There's no supposed to be about it!" Rukia said.

"What did she do?" Toushirou asked.

Orihime and Yuzu looked at each other and sighed. "It's more of a case of what she didn't do," Orihime explained. "She, like East here, was always a little gray, since you need not-so-nice Witches to take care of the bad cases in the land. But recently, she started going to the gray, and a few days ago, she went completely to the black."

Yuzu started tearing up. "It happened completely without warning!" she wailed.

Orihime nodded. "And, you see, because West was acting so…different, we sent our boyfriends and a couple of our other friends to check up on her. And when they got there she…she…well, she sort of…turned them into flying monkeys."

Toushirou blinked. "Wait. I must have heard you wrong. I could have _sworn_ that you said Ichigo and his friends were turned into _flying monkeys."_

"No, you heard perfectly fine. They're all monkeys now. Or, well, most of them are monkeys. I mean, Jinta and the other boys are monkeys. Ichigo's an orangutan, Chad's a gorilla, Ishida's a chimpanzee and Renji…" Orihime glanced at Rukia nervously.

Rukia was busy having a staring contest with Hyourinmaru, and apparently didn't notice.

"…Renji's a baboon," Yuzu finished on her friend's behalf.

Hyourinmaru heard the last bit, turned back to stare at Rukia's frozen expression, then burst into laughter and rolled around the floor. _AHAHAHAHAHA! A baboon?! Your boyfriend is a baboon?!_

Everyone stared at Hyourinmaru in horror. Even Madarame wasn't so rude or suicidal to poke at what was obviously a festering wound for the temperamental, if tiny, Witch of the East.

"Do you think it's funny?! Is it funny that my boyfriend is a baboon?! Do you think it's funny that he's got fur, fangs, and a blue butt?! WELL, DO YOU?!" Rukia shrieked, pounding a fist on her wheelchair.

Toushirou closed his eyes. This wasn't going to end well.

Everyone else waited anxiously for Hyourinmaru to calm down enough to answer.

He panted for a bit before rolling back onto his belly.

_Hell, yeah_, he said smirking. Then he started laughing again.

"I'LL KILL HIM! LET ME AT HIM! LET ME GO! I'M GOING TO MURDER THAT INSENSITIVE LITTLE DEFORMED FREAK!" Rukia screamed, trying to roll her wheelchair over to Hyourinmaru, only to be blocked by Orihime and Yuzu.

"Wait, East! You can't kill him! I know he laughed at you, but we need him! He's Dorothy's guide! Besides, the situation isn't that bad!" Yuzu begged desperately.

"Not that bad?! Not that _bad_?! Renji's a baboon! How can it get worse than that?! You can talk; _your_ boyfriend's fur covers his butt! But, no! Renji's butt is completely bare! And that's not all, it has to be _blue,_ too. And the worst bit—the worst bit is that he's not just walking around with a blue butt, he's _flying _around with his big, blue butt hanging in the air for everyone to see!" Rukia wailed. "He's streaking across the sky! Naked! Literally!"

She glared at the still-laughing Hyourinmaru.

"Do you want me to kill you?" she said icily. "Because I'm sure that could be arranged."

_I'd like to see you try. What're you gonna do, run me over with your wheelchair? Oh, wait, you can't even do that unless you can get Yuzu to push you first, and I don't see that happening in a thousand years,_ Hyourinmaru taunted, sticking his tongue out.

"Fool! Have you forgotten who I am?! I am Kuchiki Rukia! The all-powerful ruler of the East! My dominion reaches from the Munchkin territories all the way to the edge of the realm of the Great Wizard Oz himself! Do you _really_ think that I wouldn't be able to rid the world of one _measly_ deformity due to a few broken bones?!"

_Oh, please. Is that supposed to impress me? As far as I am concerned you're just the ruler of a few whiny midgets. You couldn't even get rid of a cross-dressing newbie in a tutu. And what sort of 'ultimate power' is transforming Munchkins into bunnies anyway?_

"That's the last it!" Rukia said, summoning an orb of strangely gray, glowing light.

Fortunately for all the inhabitants of the room, Yuzu intervened once again. "Frying Pan of Justice!" she yelled, hitting both Rukia and Toto on the head.

"Geez, South, are you _insane_? My head feels like you dropped a building on it!" Rukia yelled.

"Fighting is not allowed in my house!"

"It's not even your house—it's Orihime's! And what kind of sick idiot gives severely injured patients concussions?" Rukia demanded, rubbing her head.

"Justice knows no boundaries!"

"What the heck is that supposed to mean?"

_That means she can hit us and get away with it, stupid,_ Hyourinmaru grumbled gingerly, not having yet moved from his position slumped on the floor.

"What did you call me, you warped defect?" Rukia screamed.

_I called you stupid, baboon-lover._

"Freak!"

_Monkey-bitch!_

"Deformity!"

_Primate fanatic! _

"Mutant mutt!"

_Midget with a fur fetish!_

"Return of the Frying Pan of Justice!"

_Not again! _

"Owww!"

"Your doggie's a little…dumb, isn't he, Hitsugaya-kun?" Orihime stage-whispered to Toushirou.

Eyeing his once-again dizzy, injured guide, Toushirou could only shrug. "He's never been very good at backing down, not even the real one."

"Ah, I see…" Orihime said.

Hyourinmaru, for his part, glanced cautiously at Yuzu and then said to Rukia: _…for the sake of my brain cells, I propose a… truce._

"Your brain cells aren't worth saving," Rukia snarled.

"_Frying Pan of Jus—"_

"But! I happen to be very attached to mine, so I accept your proposal…for now," she said.

"Good," Yuzu said, "since North still has to tell Dorothy-chan the prophecies."

"Ah, yes! The second prophecy says, 'The golden road shall be walked, and the companions gathered: one of metal, one of straw, and one of flesh. The Hero shall bind them to her, and the Wizard shall bless them, and the end of fear and sadness shall be at hand.'

"Then the third and final prophecy says, 'The Hero shall rise and face the West, the blackened West, the hopeless West, and they shall fight to the death. The Hero shall either prevail or die, and the realm shall prevail or die with her.'"

Orihime leaned forward and grasped Toushirou by the hand. "Hitsugaya-kun," she said. "Will you fulfill the prophecies? Will you carry our hopes?"

_Wait, did she just say_ die? Hyourinmaru said. _Is there any way I can back out of being in his little group?_

"A fight?" Madarame said. "I'm in!"

"And I hear that the Witch of the West has a lovely new costume, so of course I'm coming," Ayesegawa said.

Toushirou ignored them. "If I say yes, I'll get to face West, right?"

"Right," Yuzu answered.

"Ha! Good luck with that!" Rukia said, smirking. "She'll eat you alive!"

Toushirou looked at the three Witches before him and smiled. "Bring it."

**…**

**…**

**…**

"Hey, West-sama, did you hear about East? I hear some newbie took her down—twice."

"Yeah? That's impressive. Do we know this newbie's name, my lovely minion?"

"Uh…I think it was…Dorothy-chan?"

A hand reached out and caressed a glowing crystal orb. "Oh? How…wonderful. I was getting bored."

"Ahahaha…" the other voice said nervously, his tail whipping around his feet. "I-is that so?"

"Mmhm. Glad to see that the Hero is finally on scene. It'll be so much fun crushing her. I wonder if she has friends? Say…a Goody-Two Shoes, maybe."

The other person merely shivered.

Blood red lips set against pale green skin smiled.

"I can't wait."

* * *

**Endnote: And that's the end of this chapter! Next chapter, Toushirou and Karin finally meet again! Thank you to everyone for reading. We're glad you've read our work and we hope you have enjoyed/are enjoying/will enjoy it. :)**

**Also, thank you to everyone who's reviewed/alerted/favorited this story and/or us. :D**

**Special thanks goes to the following people for reviewing the last chapter:** **niki, Franzis-chan, Skywaters, SayoShihoinXKohAyamerei, Black Rose, Tsuki Yamazakura, FlyingLikeAButterfly, and a Guest. You guys make our day! :D (If we have forgotten you or spelled your name wrong, please tell us and we will correct the error immediately.)**

**Thank you so much, and please tell us what you think!**


	7. We Meet Again

**Author's Note: Hello again, our lovely readers! Welcome to Chapter Seven of **_**Toushirou of Oz**_**. Thanks for taking the time to read our story! **

**Normal = prose, **_**italics**_** = thoughts, inner conversations, or Toto/Hyourinmaru talking. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. They belong to Tite Kubo. However, if there was an alternate universe where I do own Bleach, I will promptly give my left arm to switch with my other self. (P.S. We don't own **_**The Wizard of Oz**_**, either.) :)**

* * *

**Chapter Seven: We Meet Again**

* * *

Their little group stood outside of Orihime's gingerbread house, waiting as she gave them the last of their instructions.

"Remember," she said solemnly, "you have to follow the yellow-brick road all the way to the city of Oz, where the great wizard will give you the weapons you need to defeat my sister and save the land. Along the way you will face many trials, meet new allies and important friends, and grow stronger and stronger. Use you experience wisely, and I have no doubt you will prevail. Oh, also, do you want some of my muffins before you go? They're a new recipe and I—"

"No, thank you very much for the offer, but we're good," Toushirou said hastily. "We just hunt and eat the forest animals, it's really no big—"

"You what?!" Yuzu shouted, looking horrified and angry.

"We hunt…?" Toushirou said, confused.

"See! See! I told you he was no good! I told you!" Rukia yelled.

Orihime looked slightly nauseated. "You…kill and eat the forest animals? Did you—did you at least make sure they were non-talking ones?"

"There are ones that talk?" Madarame said. "Do those taste any better?"

"You're not supposed to taste them at all!" Yuzu shouted. "They're innocent forest creatures! What did they ever do to you?!"

"Run at us so we could skewer 'em," Madarame replied. "That was nice of them."

Orihime placed her hand on Toushirou's shoulder. "May I…?" she asked.

"Uhhh…sure?" he replied, having no clue what on earth she wanted to do, but knowing Orihime, it couldn't be bad.

She closed her eyes and muttered a few unintelligible words, and suddenly a glowing light surrounded him.

It was an eerie dark red in color.

"Oh, no," Yuzu said, staring at him in horror.

"Ha!" Rukia said. "Told you suckers so! See! See! Right there is an evil aura!"

"Now, now, if he were really evil it would be black," Orihime said soothingly. "Right now he's just…tainted."

"Tainted how?" Toushirou replied, exasperated. What the hell was going on? All this fuss over a few meals of ready-made barbecue. Jeez, the Munchkins had acted like it was perfectly normal, and why else would the animals turn into instant meals if they weren't meant to be eaten. He didn't get it.

"You're the hero, and you're supposed to help the woodland creatures, not kill them," Orihime said sadly. "They were probably trying to greet you or guide you or ask for your help when they came up to you."

_Oh_, Hyourinmaru said. _So that's why they just waltzed up to us_. _Convenient_.

"Not convenient!" Yuzu said. "Barbaric! Our hero looks like a threat to anyone with sensing powers! How is he going to get allies _now_?" she waved her frying pan around in frustration.

"He'll just have to…help people when he sees them. I'm sure the trials will purify him," Orihime said in a tone that sounded as if she was trying to reassure herself as much as her sister. "It will be alright, South. We must have faith in him."

"Wait a second, wait just a second—are you telling me that because I killed those deer and rabbits, I'm evil now?" Toushirou asked."How does that even work? All I wanted was some food! Are the Munchkins getting punished?"

"Well, it's not punishment so much as people not trusting you as much now," Orihime said apologetically. "And, well, the Munchkins were always a little gray—Heroes are held to a higher standard, though, and eating people who were trying to ask for your help doesn't exactly inspire confidence."

"Yeah, don't you have an animal translator thing? Why didn't Help tell you? Or your doggie for that matter," Yuzu said, looking at Hyourinmaru quizzically.

_I was hungry_, the dragon replied.

"Why, you little—" Toushirou said.

_If you hit me, that will probably make your aura go darker_, Hyourinmaru pointed out.

"Help!" Toushirou yelled. "Am I allowed to hit him?"

"Harm an ally?" Help's voice said. "No, that would only continue to detract from your trustworthiness points."

"You couldn't have informed me of that while I was chowing down on apparent allies?!" he yelled.

"You didn't ask," Help said in a prim tone. "Besides, animal translation comes with the Munchkin translator as an added bonus feature that you must purchase—"

"Of course," Toushirou muttered. "And my experience points are too low to get it?"

"No, actually, killing the forest creatures helped gain you some points, so you've already risen a couple levels to Level Thirty-Two," Help announced.

Toushirou stared in frustration. "Wait, so killing them helped _and_ hurt me? I don't get it!"

"Experience is experience, no matter the deed, so it helped in that way. But it defeats the larger purpose of your occupation as a Hero, so big-picture-wise, I would suggest asking Yuzu to magic your picnic basket into a self-replenishing food source instead of hunting."

Toushirou tugged on his hair, resisted the urge to kick something, and turned to Yuzu, pasting a slightly manic if still polite smile on his face. "Can you make my picnic basket give me free sandwiches so I don't slaughter apparently harmless and intelligent forest life?"

Yuzu silently took the picnic basket from his hand while the other members of his party stepped back.

"Yo, is his smile supposed to look that scary?" Madarame asked.

"I think in this situation, it's warranted," Ayesegawa replied.

_Can I have a bite of that sandwich she's putting in there?_ Hyourinmaru asked.

Toushirou stifled the urge to scream.

* * *

_How far away is this city anyway?_ Hyourinmaru grumbled. _We've been walking for_ ages.

"Stop complaining," Toushirou said. "You're not the one making the trek in high heels."

_You're also not the one making the trek when you could be carried in a handy little basket if your master wasn't such a meanie_, his dragon replied.

"What are you, three years old?"

_Actually, yes, I'm a dog remember?_

"You're a _dragon_."

_Dog._

"Dragon."

_Dog._

"Dra—oh, for Kami-sama's sake, would you just shut up already?" Toushirou said. "Madarame and Ayesegawa aren't whining!"

_No, instead they're singing that incessant little tune that's driving me crazy_, Hyourinmaru said, flattening his head spines in annoyance (why no one could tell he wasn't a dog was completely and utterly beyond Toushirou's comprehension—honestly, what breed of dog had spiny thingies coming out of their head?).

"Hey, that tune is helping us to move faster," Toushirou said, though he privately agreed that it could be a little less...manically cheerful. However begrudgingly Madarame managed to sing it, it still sounded way too catchy for comfort.

He sighed, adjusting the gauntlets that were part of the suit of armor that Orihime had given him to help him on his quest before he left. Apparently ancient beyond memory and destined to be worn by the hero, the armor was strong, light, and extremely well-fitting, if also unfortunately…feminine. With floral designs decorating it, a skirt-like bottom, and a faint light-blue tint to the metal, it was impressive and very, very pretty.

Essentially, he looked like a very awesome warrior-woman, especially with the high heels still firmly attached to his feet. Ayesegawa tried reassuring him that the contrast between the red shoes and the silver chainmail only made him look more striking and beautiful.

Needless to say, he wasn't much comforted, though at least the chest-plate didn't have any inane indentations for his nonexistent breasts, and the helmet managed to cover most of his face so no one would know it was him at first glance.

He sighed.

"Okay, according to Madarame, we should get to Oz in about—"

"Halt, you travelers!"

Toushirou and Hyourinmaru looked up, and a few feet in front of them, Madarame and Ayesegawa stopped and did the same.

Above them was a…flock of floating monkeys who looked rather like—

"'Halt, you travelers'? Is that the best you could come up with? How much lamer can you get?" a monkey that looked and sounded remarkably like Pinta said.

"Hey, I'd like to see you do better!" the original speaker, a Ryohei look-a-like, pronounced.

"How about, 'you, there! Yes, you in the armor with your doggie and your Munchkins! Stop!'" the Donny doppelganger said.

"Oh, come on, everyone knows the way to go is, 'Hands up, mother-bleepers!'" said Pinta.

The one who resembled Kazuya covered his face with his hands and groaned. "Guys, please, can we just agree that we need to stop them and keep them here?"

"Uh…why?" Toushirou asked.

They stopped to stare at him. Kazuya cleared his throat and said, "Because the great and powerful Wicked Witch of the West is coming here to—"

"Destroy you, puny mortal!" Ryohei yelled, waving his arms. "With a ka-chow! And a ba-blam! And a hi-yah!"

Kazuya looked up at the heavens as if asking for patience. "What my comrade means to say is that she wants to see if she should decimate you now, or wait until you're a little stronger so she can have more fun defeating you," he explained.

"So you better run, Dorothy-chan!" Pinta said.

"Uh-huh!" seconded Ryohei.

"But didn't we just tell them to stop?" Donny said. "I thought that was the point of the whole thing."

"Yeah, moron, but they should_ try_ to run if they knew what was good for them," Pinta said.

"And then we could stop them like the good minions we are!" Ryohei shouted.

Madarame strode forward, unsheathing his sword with a grin. "Oh, yeah, monkey-boy? I'd like to see you try!"

"Bring it on, Munchkin!" Ryohei said.

"Ryohei, that would be ill-advised," Kazuya said, pushing his glasses up his nose with a fur-covered hand. "You've never actually fought anyone on the level of an Eleventh Division Munchkin before and won, after all."

"He's Eleventh Division?" Ryohei yelped. "Then forget that, man! Those people are freakin' vicious!"

"Come down and fight, you coward!" Madarame said, waving his sword.

"Calm down, Ikkaku," Ayesegawa said. "There's no point wasting your energy if you can't reach him. Save it for the witch."

Toushirou felt a shiver of anticipation go up his spine. Karin. He was meeting Karin in a few minutes. He smiled, a sharp grin of fierce competition brightening his whole face.

_Why are you looking so happy? _Hyourinmaru said. _Didn't you hear them? You're only Level Thirty-Eight! There's no way you're gonna survive the fight, even with that girly armor._

Toushirou's mood abruptly sank. Oh, shoot, he'd forgotten all about the armor and the dress and the shoes—oh, Kami-sama, the _shoes_.

Forget the armor and the high heels—once Karin showed up, he'd kill her easily, if only because she'd fall off her broom laughing at his predicament.

He put his face in his hands and groaned audibly.

_It's okay, Master_, Hyourinmaru said, his tone pitying. _Maybe she'll make it quick_.

Karin. Quick. Yeah, she could be that way when it came to video games. He sucked in a deep breath and summoned the tiny knife that was his only current weapon—well, besides the shoes he could still barely use for anything besides walking and turning Munchkins into bunnies. If he was going to go down, he'd go down fighting. "Let's get this over with," he said, interrupting the taunting argument taking place between Karin's minions and Madarame.

"Get what over with?" Ryohei asked.

Toushirou opened his mouth to answer, but that very second, lightning inexplicably struck the ground a couple hundred feet away from them, the thunderclap following quickly after, and storm clouds turning the blue skies instantaneously dark and gray, swirling in an ominous pattern as rain began to pelt down.

"Behold!" Kazuya said over the howling winds. "The Wicked Witch of the West, the one, the only—"

An impressive figure in a tattered black dress swooped in on a broomstick, hovering right above them. A wide-brimmed witch's hat obscured most of her face, but Toushirou would recognize the curve of that grin anywhere.

"Kurosaki Karin!" proclaimed Kazuya.

It was Karin, alright, right down to the short hair, the cocky smirk, and the graceful, easy manner with which she balanced on the broom—the deep green skin was new, though, and he'd never seen her bare quite so…much…of it before.

"Whoa," Madarame said. "I didn't know going evil made people look hotter."

"Oh, look at the design of that dress!" Ayesegawa said.

_Huh_, Hyourinmaru contributed. _Nice going, Master. At least you'll get to die at the hands of a startlingly beautiful woman. _

Toushirou could only stare and gulp.

Karin moved her broomstick closer in.

"Hello, there, Hero!" she shouted down. "Are you ready to meet the person who'll be responsible for your imminent death? Huh, Dorothy-chan? Do you want to introduce me to your friends?"

"Madarame Ikkaku, here to kick your ass!" Madarame shouted.

"Ayesegawa Yumichika, at your service, here to do the same!" Ayesegawa said.

_Toto, here! Innocent little doggie who merely want to survive and eat another sandwich, thank you very much!_ Hyourinmaru said.

Karin frowned. "Hyourinmaru? What the—you're not even remotely dog-like!"

_Would people stop saying that?_ Hyourinmaru said, suddenly exasperated. _I'm as dog-like as it gets! You see the wagging tail? You see it? Huh?_

"Whatever," Karin says, ignoring him in favor of peering over their group, as if she was still looking for someone. "Hey, Dorothy-chan, you don't happen to have anyone else in your party, do you? A certain, I dunno, white-haired Munchkin maybe? Code name Goody-Two-Shoes?"

Hyourinmaru, Madarame, and Ayesegawa all turned to look at him in various stages of inquisitiveness.

Toushirou stifled a sigh. Might as well get this over with.

"Yeah," he said, taking off his helmet. "He's right here."

Karin took one look at his face and said, "Toushirou?!"

"The one and only," he said sarcastically, giving a little bow.

She took in his pretty armor, the little picnic basket he carried on one arm, and the very conspicuous, very red high heels on his feet—and promptly burst into peals laughter.

_Oh, well_, Toushirou thought sourly. At least she's too busy laughing to kill me at the moment.

* * *

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